He Who Never Gets Angry - GuyExpert Answers

I never get angry. I’ve been married for 20 years and my wife and I have never had an argument and I’ve never raised my voice to her. My friends tell me that I’m not normal – is this true?

B.G. Montreal

Well you’re not abnormal, rare perhaps, but not abnormal. I’ve probably worked with hundreds of men and I’ve met many who tell me they don’t get angry and I’ve only met one I believed. Out of the many who tell me they don’t get angry what they’ve discovered is that they weren’t allowing themselves to express anger because of either strongly held internal beliefs or, out of a reaction to a traumatic, childhood experience with anger. In my Anger Inc. ^TM workshops some of those men had their anger stifled as children by a parent or guardian while others discover they self-limit being angry as a reaction to witnessing someone being destructive and violent while angry.

Anger is a normal feeling that we are all hard-wired to feel and express. It is our most powerful feeling and the one that helps us identify when a personal boundary has been crossed or when we have a strong want or need, or most often, when we are in a perceived threat or state of powerlessness. Anger is the quickest route from powerlessness to a state of empowerment. Most of us are going to experience all of these types of anger triggers through the course of being in relationships with others. In fact, relationships by design are perfect hotbeds of triggers for anger as the individuals work through their intimacy blocks to form a tight, cohesive deep union. And if relationships are ripe with triggers, by extension so is life; reality is by definition ‘real.’ This means it’s not easy or smooth rather it’s bumpy and difficult. This is my primary reason for creating Anger Inc. ^TM, to help men learn healthy ways of coping with real life.

I wont’ comment on your marriage except to offer you that I’ve worked with couples who have told me they have never fought and those relationships are perfect on the surface. Just below that veneer is a minefield of experiences, history, and unspoken comments that each person has made a commitment to not expose. It’s like they’ve agreed to be best friends and roommates but not an intimately bonded couple. The interesting aspect of these relationships is that they while they lack conflict they are also empty of deep passion. Trading off conflict for passion may seem obvious in the beginning over the long term however, I think it’s a deal with the devil. Personally, I’d rather have a real, conflict-ridden, passionate, deeply loving relationship than one where “we get along great with each other.” That’s me, what is it you really want?

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My brother is in a really bad divorce and he’s been so depressed that he has missed work, and missed scheduled pickups for his son – I’m afraid that he will lose access to his son because of his depression – what can I say to him?

SG, Toronto

It’s clear your brother needs some help and I agree with you unless he’s willing to get that help he is in jeopardy of losing so much more in his life.

It’s times like these when men need the most support and guidance to navigate through difficult emotional transitions and yet, most, refuse to ask for it. As a man I’ve been led to believe that I’m supposed to suck it up, or figure it out myself with the underlying message being that my problem is mine alone – meaning no one else has ever experienced what I’m going through. And men collude with each other on this story by pretending not to notice another guy in deep pain or, purposely keeping conversation with that man superficial and light, or by tolerating and accepting self-destructive and sabotaging behaviours from a man who is emotionally hurting.

Men have to collectively understand that this way of being with each other is insanity. What your brother needs more than anything else, (despite how he may protest), is someone to care enough to notice how much pain he is in and to take action. You can’t make him go to a counselor, or a support group but you can be a presence in his life holding him accountable to his responsibilities and commitments and letting him know that he’s a good guy going through a rough time – rather than a failure. Every man goes through challenges in his life – challenge is actually how men grow. Yet, true growth is determined not by how severe the challenges are but by how I face and process those challenges. Some of life’s challenges need to be faced alone because they test a man’s inner strength of character, while other types of adversity need to be experienced in community because these test a man’s comfort with being visibly vulnerable.

The best thing you can say to your brother is, “You’re hurting, that’s okay. I’m here for you and you need to move through this right now because your son needs you in his life.” Anchoring your brother to his son’s needs may be strong enough motivation to have him also help himself.

Most Men Dream About An All Sex Relationship

I’ve been seeing a woman for five years and since the beginning our relationship is really just about sex. The only time she comes over is for sex or when she’s lonely – I want to get out of this but when I’ve tried in the past she has freaked out and become violent and abusive. How do I end it with her?

VM, Calgary

So, what you’re saying is that for a while this arrangement for sex worked for you and now it doesn’t. I often wonder why so many men are surprised when this type of ‘perfect,’ scenario goes wrong. In the beginning everything is all good; you’re getting what you want and according to you, it seems like she’s getting what she wants. Then, wham! Out of nowhere the rules change and sex is simply not enough because someone wants more. I really believe fewer men would be caught in this kind of leg hold trap if they first realized that most women do not have sex for the sake of having sex, especially not with the same guy and definitely not for five years. Second, I think men sell themselves short believing that sex is the one-stop answer for all of their needs. Guys, we have deep emotional needs as well and for many of us sex is the only way we have been trained to get those needs met. As a result, we’re starved for respect, admiration, affection, physical touch and intimacy.

Of course she comes over when she’s lonely! In her mind you are her boyfriend. It’s only in your mind that the relationship is about sex. Wakeup! And, while I don’t accept nor condone physical violence – I can certainly understand that she may be hysterical. The two of you have some growing up to do. Your girlfriend, (because that’s what she is), has to come to terms that her ‘relationship,’ hasn’t been meeting her needs. This is a very hard truth to accept – that I as a person have been feeding myself love crumbs rather than believe that I’m worthy enough to sit down to a full buffet. There are a lot of women out there with this belief in their makeup and a good counselor with experience working with women could help her tremendously.

You also need to put on the big boy pants and take stock of the situation. It’s time to accept and own that you have participated in this sex charade as well. I don’t know how in the past you have tried to end it with her but, I would strongly suggest you take the lead here and book the two of you into a couple’s counselor who can facilitate the process of ending this tryst respectfully. Then I would suggest going to a bookstore and picking up David Deida’s “The Way Of The Superior Man,” - it’s time to slap some reality aftershave on that face of yours.