Monday, July 25, 2011

"If You're Looking For Sympathy,..."

it's between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."

Wise words passed on from father to son which the latter shared with me a while back.  I've heard a few nuggets like this "suck it up, buttercup", "why don't you go back to your mommy, little boy", many, like these ones are offered as an antidote to a perceived emotional disease. 

Apparently that disease is contagious if unchecked or corrected.  It's certainly uncomfortable to be with which is why men, and women, fathers, and mothers, are so quick to make sure boys, and girls do not 'wallow in their misery."  What good could possibly come from steeping in a feeling, right?  Most of us never know the answer to that question because our social messaging tells us to stay away from feeling deeply the same way it tells us not to open the closet door in a horror movie.  You just don't know what's in there and whether you'll make it out alive if you open that damn door.

Sometimes these wise words are offered as a kind of tool to help someone fix what is obviously broken.  Ideally a tool is designed to make a job easier, more efficient and effective.  In so many ways these types of words are like throwing a bucket to someone who is drowning. 

And so a thought becomes a story which after time becomes a belief - parent to child.  Bell Hooks, alludes to this in her book "Men, Masculinity and The Will To Change".  In her view this code of emotional silence is a pervasive component of patriarchy that both fathers and mothers buy into and promote so little boys grow into strong men and little girls grow into strong women.  Hooks targets patriarchy as the culprit - for me, I think the origin is more primal.

A good friend John Giffen is involved in an incredibly brave organization which aims to counter this social evolution with a pivotal, mentoring process for teenage boys (ages 13 - 17).  Boys To Men,(btmcanada.org) runs a process called a Rights Of Passage Adventure Weekend and there's a weekend coming up in Vermont in August, which, those of you who know some young men who are searching for some answers and guidance, I would encourage you to check it out and spread the word.

Sometimes a guy's deepest fear about coming to a mens' group is that he is going to encounter a bunch of "wimps sobbing and crying in their laps."  What I say to those guys is that my experience of mens' group is that every guy has the opportunity to feel anything and everything he feels fully.  That last word is the key.  Fully.  No limits.

It's the one place a guy "can get it all out."  It's the one place where a guy may not only receive useful tools and maybe sympathy, but more importantly empathy.

Our next 20 week session of mens group begins on Tuesday, August 9th, 2011, at 7 p.m., and we will continue every Tuesday evening until December 20th, 2011.  Give me a call If you're interested in joining us and please send this to a guy who you believe would benefit from the experience.

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Power Of A Story

I love stories.

It doesn't have to be a good story to capture my attention and engage me. Any story which has me see a part of myself is a story worth reading or listening to in my books. As you can imagine I hear a lot of different stories. Every day I'm blessed to have the opportunity to listen to many different people and their stories. The experience is enlightening - I think people would enjoy their lives more if they spent more time listening to other peoples stories.

And not because I could listen to a person's story and feel happy, or think that I'm somehow different or better -precisely the opposite; anothers story is a doorway into my own story.

There are a lot of men and stories out there. There are soldiers returning from war, there are police officers, firefighters, paramedics wounded from front line experiences, there are husbands going through separation, fathers missing their children, executives burning out on the job, sons burying parents, and many guys who wake up every day hoping they were somewhere or someone else.

A guy came to see me the other day and spent the better part of his time trying to convince me that he was broken. "Look," he said, "here are all of the the things I've done and had done to me which prove that I'm broken. Why won't you believe me?" "Can you fix me?" he asked.

"No," I replied, "I can't fix you because you're not broken. I can help you but I won't be able to fix you"

I'm not sure if he'll come back - by the look on his face I'm not sure he believed me.

For me, men are not broken, or bad, and we don't need fixing. We are however able to be:

Disconnected, from people we love, our work and our bodies

Controlling
, of our relationships, our feelings, our behaviour, and our image as perceived by others

Afraid, to be honest, to trust friends or family, to be perceived as weak or incapable, to 'get it wrong'

Confused, by how to talk about what is happening to us in ways others can understand, relate and connect to

Alone
, in what we believe, understand, and feel.


I remember believing I was broken and experiencing feedback from people around me who told me I needed to be fixed. Being broken never felt quite right to me because I knew that deep inside I was no different than anyone else and rationally speaking, we couldn't all be broken right?

There's a new session of Mens' Group beginning on Tuesday, August 9th, and it will run weekly, every Tuesday until December 20th. In Men's Group we bring together good men and in twenty weeks we give them tools and experiences to experience that inside feeling; the one that knows they are great.

Call me if you're interested in joining us, or if you would like to know more about Group -and, please tell a friend who you know carries a thought that he is broken. You will be changing his life.

journey well,

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Awakening - What It Means To Know You Are Waking Up

This is an excerpt of a reading which a client recently forwarded to me - keep this with you


The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - Enough! Enough fighting and crying or
struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You
realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that your partner, if you have one,
isn't perfect. In the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you; and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are.... that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you
really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with; and in the process you learn to go
with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learn to say NO. Then you learn about love, romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away.

You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more attractive, more intelligent, more lovable or more important because of the partner by your side or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect; and you won't settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with loving caresses...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself; and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever, settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand. You take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want

to live as best you can. Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see.


This is your awakening....enjoy life!