JUDGMENT DAY

It’s inevitable. There are going to be guys you like and guys who piss you off. If you’re like most men you’ll avoid the guys you don’t like because being around them makes you feel very uncomfortable. And in doing so you’ll shrink away from one of the most powerful learning experiences you can have in your life. I’ve said it before in this column; learning is not supposed to be pleasant, it can be, but often the lessons which really stick with us are the ones that have come with some pain.

What is a judgment anyway?

When I interpret another man’s actions or words as meaning something, regardless of whether that meaning is something painful or comfortable then I am forming a judgment about him. My judgments are nothing more than my interpretations. And because my interpretations belong to me my judgments are always based on my own experiences.

Simply put I can only see in another man what I can also recognize in myself, or as one program puts it: “If you can spot it, you got it.” So if I judge that a guy is direct, honest, and a good friend, it’s because I can see those qualities in myself reflected back by the guy in front of me. Conversely, if I judge a guy as a douche I’m seeing the douche in me mirrored back at me.

Yes, the world is full of jerks and whiners, posers, and martyrs, even bullies, victims, and heroes. The truth about life is that once I go looking for something I’m likely to find a whole bunch of it. We tend to see what we want to see. If I judge the world as uncaring and harsh – I’m likely holding some of that energy myself and projecting it out onto everyone else. Try this experiment: For one day, count the number of red Miatas you see. I guarantee you by the end of the day you’ll believe that everyone drives a red Miata.

So to bring this all back to judgments; if everyone is a mirror of me then what I don’t like about me, what I can’t stand to look at, will likely cause me great pain and strife when I see it reflected back to me by another. This is how judgments become a learning opportunity. If I have the courage to look beneath what I don’t like about another person I can learn a lot about my judgments of myself.

Remember judgments are nothing more than thoughts, which over time have become stories, and further stories which, with more time, have become beliefs. You’re beliefs about yourself are nothing more than stories. And if you’re going to tell yourself a story you might as well tell yourself one that makes you feel good.

Given that we’re approaching a global time of goodwill and peace, I’m asking you to take one day in the next twelve, and make it Judgment Day; a day where you look at all of your judgments of others and make peace with how you see yourself.

Where Are All The Men?

"Where are all of the men?"

This is the question I was asked recently by a young woman who, single and attractive, was actively dating and blasé when it came to her experiences with men. “They’re not men,” she told me, “they’re like big kids.” She went on to tell me that men are commitment phobic, fake, and often miss-represent themselves, or worse, talk so much about themselves during a date that they hard sell themselves right out of getting laid.

So, I did some digging and found out some interesting facts:

• On-line dating sites report that more than 70% of their members are men, and men are more likely, (by a factor of 2:1) to date multiple women simultaneously
• Off-line dating services appeal to mostly women by a factor of anywhere from 3:1 to a staggering 5:1!
• Men trend towards dating for the sole purpose of not being alone, while women report that their purpose for dating is to find a husband.
• Professional matchmakers coach women to not ‘scare off men’ by talking about commitment or family and counsel them to expect that men won’t call back after the first date.

Wow, we got it good – it’s great to be a guy right?

Wrong.

Where the hell are the guys? Looks to me that men are hiding in the comfort of their computers and doing some serious shopping around. And when they do find the courage to go out and meet a woman; chances are her first is his last and she better sell herself in the first few minutes or he’s going to yell out “check please.”

What happened to men? Did we get scared off by decades of feminist thinking? Are we afraid of being labeled as knuckle-dragging Troglodytes or worse misogynists?

Nope, I don’t think it’s really anything to do with any of this, although this does lurk in the background of our minds. I believe the primary reason men are hiding is that deep down we’re afraid of rejection. So much so, that we can’t stand to not be in control of a potential romantic situation. In fact we’re more afraid of rejection than women are; most of us just can’t tolerate the pain of a no.

Gentlemen, as human beings we learn through experience. Our humanness is defined by our willingness to test ourselves over and over again and learn from those experiences to become stronger. It seems we understand this when it comes to sports, war, business, video games and poker, but when it comes to love we’ve fallen off of our bicycles and we don’t want to get back on the seat again.

Women have picked up on this for quite a while now – it’s what they really mean when they accuse men of being commitment phobic. They know we’re scared shitless.

What’s it going to take for men to get their stones back?