Smelly Feet and The Men Who Own Them

My boyfriend’s feet are gross. His toenails are long and dirty and his feet smell. I ask him to take better care of himself but he gets angry and tells me to let him be a man – is this true? Are men really like this?

H.M. Calgary

Yes, some men are like this and while they may pretend or even protest that their shoddy physical appearance is okay and perhaps more manly – they know the real truth they just don’t care. It’s not important to them and that is why they pay little attention to the issue. Remember, nothing gets in between a man and something or someone he wants. So if a guy has a blind spot in his personality or appearance it’s because he has taken his focus off of it. I’ve worked with many guys who pay great attention to their personal appearance and very little to other aspects of their lives. I’ve also met men who have success, great relationships, even their health and yet, their toenails are claws or they have fur growing out of their nose and ears.

Any guy who tells you that walking around like a Wookie makes him manlier is hoping you buy his weak excuse for a lack of focus and leave him alone. By shining a light on your boyfriend’s toes you are effectively telling him in his mind that he has a flaw. Generally men are not so good at hearing that they have flaws because many of us are doing our best to be flawless hence in vulnerable. So the best defense against being weak is to come up with a story that said behaviour is in fact manlier. It’s a pretty thin defense if you ask me and one which makes the man appear frail in character. I wish more guys would stand in the heat of the spotlight more often because they would learn something key about relationships with women. Women like to leave a man better than when they found him. So a woman who takes the time to lovingly suggest ways in which a guy can transform himself is actually grooming that man to be his best. Deep down no woman wants to be in a relationship with a man she can’t show off. So she spends a lot of her relationship focus nudging him to change. As a rule, when men get together we tend to pay less attention to how another guy looks or smells rather, we measure a guy by his commitment to values like honesty, trust, accountability, courage and kindness.

Your boyfriend is feeding you a line about his toes and in the process is proving that he is still a boy at heart. So, I guess you have a choice. Put up with it or, make it a deal-breaker. How the two of you deal with this though will set the tone for how you both navigate the difficult issues and problems that true intimacy will bring.

Most Men Dream About An All Sex Relationship

I’ve been seeing a woman for five years and since the beginning our relationship is really just about sex. The only time she comes over is for sex or when she’s lonely – I want to get out of this but when I’ve tried in the past she has freaked out and become violent and abusive. How do I end it with her?

VM, Calgary

So, what you’re saying is that for a while this arrangement for sex worked for you and now it doesn’t. I often wonder why so many men are surprised when this type of ‘perfect,’ scenario goes wrong. In the beginning everything is all good; you’re getting what you want and according to you, it seems like she’s getting what she wants. Then, wham! Out of nowhere the rules change and sex is simply not enough because someone wants more. I really believe fewer men would be caught in this kind of leg hold trap if they first realized that most women do not have sex for the sake of having sex, especially not with the same guy and definitely not for five years. Second, I think men sell themselves short believing that sex is the one-stop answer for all of their needs. Guys, we have deep emotional needs as well and for many of us sex is the only way we have been trained to get those needs met. As a result, we’re starved for respect, admiration, affection, physical touch and intimacy.

Of course she comes over when she’s lonely! In her mind you are her boyfriend. It’s only in your mind that the relationship is about sex. Wakeup! And, while I don’t accept nor condone physical violence – I can certainly understand that she may be hysterical. The two of you have some growing up to do. Your girlfriend, (because that’s what she is), has to come to terms that her ‘relationship,’ hasn’t been meeting her needs. This is a very hard truth to accept – that I as a person have been feeding myself love crumbs rather than believe that I’m worthy enough to sit down to a full buffet. There are a lot of women out there with this belief in their makeup and a good counselor with experience working with women could help her tremendously.

You also need to put on the big boy pants and take stock of the situation. It’s time to accept and own that you have participated in this sex charade as well. I don’t know how in the past you have tried to end it with her but, I would strongly suggest you take the lead here and book the two of you into a couple’s counselor who can facilitate the process of ending this tryst respectfully. Then I would suggest going to a bookstore and picking up David Deida’s “The Way Of The Superior Man,” - it’s time to slap some reality aftershave on that face of yours.