Smelly Feet and The Men Who Own Them

My boyfriend’s feet are gross. His toenails are long and dirty and his feet smell. I ask him to take better care of himself but he gets angry and tells me to let him be a man – is this true? Are men really like this?

H.M. Calgary

Yes, some men are like this and while they may pretend or even protest that their shoddy physical appearance is okay and perhaps more manly – they know the real truth they just don’t care. It’s not important to them and that is why they pay little attention to the issue. Remember, nothing gets in between a man and something or someone he wants. So if a guy has a blind spot in his personality or appearance it’s because he has taken his focus off of it. I’ve worked with many guys who pay great attention to their personal appearance and very little to other aspects of their lives. I’ve also met men who have success, great relationships, even their health and yet, their toenails are claws or they have fur growing out of their nose and ears.

Any guy who tells you that walking around like a Wookie makes him manlier is hoping you buy his weak excuse for a lack of focus and leave him alone. By shining a light on your boyfriend’s toes you are effectively telling him in his mind that he has a flaw. Generally men are not so good at hearing that they have flaws because many of us are doing our best to be flawless hence in vulnerable. So the best defense against being weak is to come up with a story that said behaviour is in fact manlier. It’s a pretty thin defense if you ask me and one which makes the man appear frail in character. I wish more guys would stand in the heat of the spotlight more often because they would learn something key about relationships with women. Women like to leave a man better than when they found him. So a woman who takes the time to lovingly suggest ways in which a guy can transform himself is actually grooming that man to be his best. Deep down no woman wants to be in a relationship with a man she can’t show off. So she spends a lot of her relationship focus nudging him to change. As a rule, when men get together we tend to pay less attention to how another guy looks or smells rather, we measure a guy by his commitment to values like honesty, trust, accountability, courage and kindness.

Your boyfriend is feeding you a line about his toes and in the process is proving that he is still a boy at heart. So, I guess you have a choice. Put up with it or, make it a deal-breaker. How the two of you deal with this though will set the tone for how you both navigate the difficult issues and problems that true intimacy will bring.

Help! I Need Somebody. GuyExpert Answers The Question

My brother is in a really bad divorce and he’s been so depressed that he has missed work, and missed scheduled pickups for his son – I’m afraid that he will lose access to his son because of his depression – what can I say to him?

SG, Toronto

It’s clear your brother needs some help and I agree with you unless he’s willing to get that help he is in jeopardy of losing so much more in his life.

It’s times like these when men need the most support and guidance to navigate through difficult emotional transitions and yet, most, refuse to ask for it. As a man I’ve been led to believe that I’m supposed to suck it up, or figure it out myself with the underlying message being that my problem is mine alone – meaning no one else has ever experienced what I’m going through. And men collude with each other on this story by pretending not to notice another guy in deep pain or, purposely keeping conversation with that man superficial and light, or by tolerating and accepting self-destructive and sabotaging behaviours from a man who is emotionally hurting.

Men have to collectively understand that this way of being with each other is insanity. What your brother needs more than anything else, (despite how he may protest), is someone to care enough to notice how much pain he is in and to take action. You can’t make him go to a counselor, or a support group but you can be a presence in his life holding him accountable to his responsibilities and commitments and letting him know that he’s a good guy going through a rough time – rather than a failure. Every man goes through challenges in his life – challenge is actually how men grow. Yet, true growth is determined not by how severe the challenges are but by how I face and process those challenges. Some of life’s challenges need to be faced alone because they test a man’s inner strength of character, while other types of adversity need to be experienced in community because these test a man’s comfort with being visibly vulnerable.

The best thing you can say to your brother is, “You’re hurting, that’s okay. I’m here for you and you need to move through this right now because your son needs you in his life.” Anchoring your brother to his son’s needs may be strong enough motivation to have him also help himself.

Most Men Dream About An All Sex Relationship

I’ve been seeing a woman for five years and since the beginning our relationship is really just about sex. The only time she comes over is for sex or when she’s lonely – I want to get out of this but when I’ve tried in the past she has freaked out and become violent and abusive. How do I end it with her?

VM, Calgary

So, what you’re saying is that for a while this arrangement for sex worked for you and now it doesn’t. I often wonder why so many men are surprised when this type of ‘perfect,’ scenario goes wrong. In the beginning everything is all good; you’re getting what you want and according to you, it seems like she’s getting what she wants. Then, wham! Out of nowhere the rules change and sex is simply not enough because someone wants more. I really believe fewer men would be caught in this kind of leg hold trap if they first realized that most women do not have sex for the sake of having sex, especially not with the same guy and definitely not for five years. Second, I think men sell themselves short believing that sex is the one-stop answer for all of their needs. Guys, we have deep emotional needs as well and for many of us sex is the only way we have been trained to get those needs met. As a result, we’re starved for respect, admiration, affection, physical touch and intimacy.

Of course she comes over when she’s lonely! In her mind you are her boyfriend. It’s only in your mind that the relationship is about sex. Wakeup! And, while I don’t accept nor condone physical violence – I can certainly understand that she may be hysterical. The two of you have some growing up to do. Your girlfriend, (because that’s what she is), has to come to terms that her ‘relationship,’ hasn’t been meeting her needs. This is a very hard truth to accept – that I as a person have been feeding myself love crumbs rather than believe that I’m worthy enough to sit down to a full buffet. There are a lot of women out there with this belief in their makeup and a good counselor with experience working with women could help her tremendously.

You also need to put on the big boy pants and take stock of the situation. It’s time to accept and own that you have participated in this sex charade as well. I don’t know how in the past you have tried to end it with her but, I would strongly suggest you take the lead here and book the two of you into a couple’s counselor who can facilitate the process of ending this tryst respectfully. Then I would suggest going to a bookstore and picking up David Deida’s “The Way Of The Superior Man,” - it’s time to slap some reality aftershave on that face of yours.

He Has A Blowout With His Daughter - Anger Understood

Hey GuyExpert,

I just had a blowout with my 17-year-old daughter. While I didn’t hit her, in a rage I did grab her wrists and shove her up against a wall. She is now afraid of me and my wife is threatening our 20-year marriage ending if I don’t get help for my ‘anger issue.’ My daughter provoked me and outside of this event, I’ve never done this before so I don’t think I have an issue – what do you think? O.S. Ottawa

Well, I think there’s something brewing inside of you and given the right strike point, provocation or trigger there’s a greater likelihood that you will use physical force to make your point. Read and re-read my first sentence O.S., because how you read it will determine whether you believe you have an issue with anger. I believe that once a person learns the most effective method for them to be heard, seen, or get their own way they will tend to use that way with greater frequency. It seems as though your method is becoming physical force.

Men have lots of confusing messages about anger with some using anger to empower their fear, blanket their sadness, or assert control in chaotic areas of their life. Still, many other men choke or swallow back any sign of their anger preferring to have it leak out in a multitude of numbing, self-sabotaging or avoidance behaviours. In all, I believe anger is getting a bad rap and taking the blame for what is really a lack of understanding, experience, and choice for most men. You see O.S., anger is not the problem – how you express anger is. Most men have never mastered a relationship to their own anger and so they are reactively angry rather than choosing to express anger responsibly. Responsible anger has a man be seen and heard, while reactive anger disconnects him from the world.

In my Anger Inc ^TM, workshop O.S., men learn all about their anger; it’s roots, the early physical warning signs, their ‘triggers’ and ‘buttons’, and several, highly-effective tactics for expressing anger responsibly. In my life learning how to be responsibly angry is a discipline that has helped me transform from a wounded, violent young man to a middle-aged man whose anger is expressed responsibly, when appropriate. Two important women in your life O.S. are telling you they’re scared and on the edge – are you man enough to hear them and shine a floodlight on this blind spot in your life, or will you ignore them and let this volcano simmer? I suspect that because you’ve taken the step of writing to me that you’re somewhat curious they might be right. Follow your impulse with courage O.S., and you will learn what anger is really all about.

Manly Mo's

Does facial hair make a man more manly? In this apparent age of sleek and clean albeit hair-less - are men who grow facial hair growing more masculine? Celebrities and fashion role models want us to believe that the new normal for men includes beards and moustaches. Is facial hair an overt visual clue to the world that a man is no longer a boy?

I don't know. But as a guy whose face is a comedian; growing hair in staccato punchlines rather than a smooth, consistent delivery, these are questions I have asked myself. I remember as a teenager seeing a picture of The Stones with beards and thinking that they were manly men; the bushier the beard the more manly the man. Now as I reflect back, the 70's were all about facial hair for men. Thirty years later it's 2009 and a group of men around the globe are now in the throes of cultivating moustache farms on their faces all for the noble cause of raising funds for prostate cancer. Movember is the month, the cause and, if I can

go out on a limb here perhaps the beginnings of a new Mens' movement. To date, the Movember men have raised more than $51 Million for Prostate Cancer - and this year is lining up to be their best year yet.

Check Movember out. And ladies, there's a place for you in all of this stubble action - you can become a Mo'Sistah and support the growth of this campaign.

That's me on the right - three days in to my Mo'

On Being A Dad - Keynote Address to Dads' Count 09' Conference -June 06, Toronto

Welcome.   I imagine for Brian Russell and Mark McDowell – this is an amazing experience – this moment of seeing you all here – participating in a day that honours and supports Fathers and the important role Fathers have in creating a solid foundation for families.  These men began with a vision, chose to commit to that vision, and had the courage to face any number of obstacles – personal and circumstantial to have this day materialize. 

 

Interestingly all of us in this room share a common experience.  Regardless of our age, cultural backgrounds, race, religions, economic status, even gender – we all were children and the majority of us here today are sons.

 

13 years ago, I was 34, and an angry; very, very angry son – and I was thinking that life had dealt me a really bad deck of cards.  My second wife at the time was pregnant – which we were both happy about – but secretly I was in the middle of a internal struggle – a battle if you will about being a Father. 

 

I remember speaking to a couple of friends about what I was thinking and for the most part the feedback or advice they gave me was either “suck it up,” your life is over – or, “this is just cold feet and you’ll soon find out that children are the greatest gift in life.”  There wasn’t a lot of comfort in either place for me because the demons I was wrestling with were murky, faceless ghosts from the past – these were not so much skeletons in a closet as much as long, dark hallways – which I had never walked down before.

 

At the time and even now, as a man who counsels and mentors men through major life experiences – I knew that I wasn’t alone – yet I was having the experience of being by myself because nobody – no man ever talked about this stuff – at least not openly and rarely seriously.  And while there were literally 100’s of books for women about pregnancy and child rearing – the literature for men was rare.  There was a void of information which I now know is the result of a conditioned male behaviour – most of us rarely talk about what is really going on in our lives.

 

My Dad never told me about this stuff – I know his Dad, my Grandfather never told him – and I can’t imagine that my great Grandfather, Benjamin – was a great source of fathering knowledge for his son either.  The male legacy in my family is one of silence, pain, isolation, abuse, and abandonment.

 

So, here I was – baby on the way – not sure if I was ready, or what ready really meant and, even more deeply not even sure if I really wanted to be a Father.  I saw that I had two choices – I could piece together being a father from various sources – men, who, throughout my life, had showed me what being a dad was all about – or, I could just do the opposite of everything my own Dad had done to me.  I think you see the situation I was in – meager choices indeed.

 

And on top of all of that – I was desperately hoping the baby would be a girl – because having a boy would a huge challenge for me – that much I was sure.

 

Evan was born on May 24, 1997, and on that day my life changed.  I’d like to tell you that there was a chorus of angels singing Hallelujah and that my Fathering epiphany was euphoric – but it wasn’t.  As I held our son for the first time and checked him over for any physical abnormalities – yep, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes, 2 ears, and a penis – great – I had a watershed moment – which felt like a deep sinking sensation in my chest.  I just knew in that moment that I would do everything in my power to protect, nurture and love him.  In an instant, his innocence pierced the defenses I had built up through years of male bonding.  His peaceful nature soothed my restless male doing energy and I knew truly for the first time without a shadow of doubt that I was making a choice.

 

I was choosing to be a Father.

 

I had no clue how to be a Father – my mind told me.  But I knew I would be a Father – I would choose to Father this child.

 

President Barack Obama, in his 2008 Father’s Day address – said it best I think – he offered

 

“We need fathers to realize that responsibility does not end at conception. We need them to realize that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child - it's the courage to raise one.”

 

Fatherhood is about Courage, commitment & having a vision.  Like President Obama shared later in this same address, I too have been an imperfect Father.  There have been times in the last 12 years of Evan’s life, and more recently, with the birth of our daughter Molly – that I have watched myself with disbelief at the things I have said and the things I have done – Like many men, I have to work at being the best Father I can be and a contributing partner in building a solid foundation for our family.

 

I have navigated through the separation and divorce from Evan’s mother, the challenges of single parenting, the balancing of family time with work, new relationships, and financial upheaval, and now most recently the intricacies of creating a harmonious blended family which has blossomed from 3 people 12 years ago to now include – my partner, my ex-wife’s husband, his two children, and our infant daughter. 

 

All the while – my motivation was choosing to be the best Father that I could be in the moment for Evan. 

 

Did this require courage – absolutely – but not of the variety that keeps our homes safe from intruders, or keeps our children safe from bullies.  No, this courage is the type required to walk the dark hallways of the soul – to open the closet doors of my mind despite knowing there’s something or someone waiting behind to confront me.

 

Did fathering require a commitment – absolutely.  And not of the kind that is conditional, fair-weather, or based on the others’ behaviour – those commitments are not commitments at all – they are relative to parenting – easy way outs.  Being a father requires that I commit – that I choose to love my children at the risk of everything else that I may value.

 

Did raising my children require a vision – the answer is again yes.  But not of the type that we hear about in the boardrooms – the 3 year, or 5 year plan.  Fathering requires me to have a vision of who I am and who I aspire to be as a Father – my vision is the foundation from which I choose how to behave each and every moment. 

 

I choose to be the best Father I can be in each moment of my life – not a good Father, not a great Father – but the best that I can be. 

 

My choice to be a Father has me constantly refine and adapt how I am  - For me it’s like a challenge for myself – how can I improve – where can I improve – I’m constantly looking for the areas and aspects of myself where I can increase my performance. 

 

A friend of mine once explained the game of golf to me in this way – he said – “it’s the type of game where you can always have a better game.”

 

I can always be a better Father.  I can always learn how to be a better Father.

 

One of the gifts of co-hosting a weekly radio show is the opportunity to meet some amazing people.  A while ago I met a man who had supported and continues to support his wife and family through her breast cancer – this man was open and vulnerable, he talked with strength about his vision for his family and he displayed a level of courage in his conviction that is compelling.  This is not some superman – this is an average guy – like so many of us sitting here today.  An average guy who had an opportunity to who in the face of a life-changing event – chose a better way for himself.

So as you participate in this day and you make decisions around which seminars and workshops you are going to attend and you share your story with other men in this room and you hear the stories of father like yourself – I ask you to hold these two thoughts in your mind – let them sink in and, as I like to say – let them simmer and percolate in your unconscious – I can always be a better Father – and,…

 

I choose to be a Father.

 

 

Thank you and journey well.

Guest Post On HerKind

Well, it's 12:30p.m. and I'm typing this as I watch people chit chat and connect in my favourite coffee shop The Darkhorse, in Toronto. I hear through the grapevine that their coffee is from Intelligentsia in Chicago. Certainly it's great coffee, and sadly something I will be giving up in a few short days as I am participating in an exciting new fitness programme a colleague, Cherilee Garofano, has developed called Fuze Fitness. So, those of you who are fellow lovers of the bean, please empathize. The last time I gave up coffee, (and I only drink two cups a day), I had a hard time.

But, I digress. This week I was asked by another colleague and friend to 'guest post' on her blog HerKind. Carla Lucchetta, HerKind's creator and author has asked me to post on all things male; a subject dear to my heart. So, please visit the site. My first post as a guest is all about what boys need to successfully mature into men and, why women cannot 'father' boys towards manhood. Manhood requires men to be involved, engaged. My GuyTalk co-host Owen Williams, recently admitted to me that he is afraid of teenage boys - that in some scenarios they give off a dangerous energy, that is un-predictable.

Having been one of those 'lost boys,' equally afraid and un-predictable, angry and disappointed, lonely and insecure in belonging - I imagine I was frightening to many adults. Shame. I really needed a hand held out to me - someone to see through the emotional distress and powerful enough to bring me in from the cold.

Hey Sean Avery - You Are The Sloppy Second!

Wow, I wonder what Brett Hull is thinking right now? I mean, he paid for $15.5 million for a guy who is tied for 210th place in NHL scoring. The Stars are eating up almost $4 million in salary cap space a year for a player who is on pace for 10 goals this season and spends more time firing his mouth off than putting the puck in the net. The guy in question is Dallas Stars’ Sean Avery. Avery demonstrated this week that there is no bottom too low for a guy to stoop. In an apparent off the cuff interview that was pre-meditated and badly staged, Avery slammed his ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert and her new beau displaying his true essence and how he views the world. To Sean Avery, the world is his for the taking, his to manipulate and his to run amok. Narcissistic at best, sociopathic at worst, Avery believes that you and I and most everyone else are beneath him.

Let’s be real here. Avery’s antics on the whole are not steeped in macho bravado and neither are they born from a post-Jackass or Punk’d root; they’re not even meant to entertain. Avery is in this for himself and for his own amusement. He thinks he’s funny.

And this is the truest sign of his character. A true narcissist, unlike the common misunderstanding of the word is not in love with himself – he despises, even hates himself often beyond measure. The narcissist’s focus on his life, his world and everything about himself may, on the surface, look like admiration yet it is really the way in which the individual creates and maintains their own hyper-critical radar screen. And they don’t like much of what they see.

I’ve been tagged many times for being over analytical, and yet, I think this time, with Sean Avery it’s merited. Because you see the only reason Sean Avery is able to function at this level of immaturity in the world is because other men have allowed it to happen.

That’s right. We’re complicit in how this guy and every other boy walking around in a man’s body acts and is permitted to dysfunction in our society. Our apathy, or lack of courage in confronting the Sean Averys of the world becomes the fuel for their continued assault on our values and principles; not only as a society but more importantly as men.

How is a guy like Sean Avery permitted to shoot his mouth off and behave like a reckless, irresponsible, pissed off teenager and have no one really stand up to him? I think it’s because most men while publicly condemning Avery secretly condone his anti-authority, anti-convention stance because it mirrors their own desire to flip a finger at the man and his rules. We like rebels because they speak to our own inner rebellion. Our only caveat is that they not go too far. You know, it’s okay to tell a few off-colour or sexist jokes, perhaps even treat other races or women as second class citizens but you better not offend me, my mother or my sister.

Nice double standard.

The world is at a turning point gentlemen and what we have now is going to be radically different a decade from now. Boys like Sean Avery will have no place in the new ways of the world because they will have lost the plot having never fully matured. Our world needs men not whiny, smug, righteously indignant punks.

Where Are All The Men?

"Where are all of the men?"

This is the question I was asked recently by a young woman who, single and attractive, was actively dating and blasé when it came to her experiences with men. “They’re not men,” she told me, “they’re like big kids.” She went on to tell me that men are commitment phobic, fake, and often miss-represent themselves, or worse, talk so much about themselves during a date that they hard sell themselves right out of getting laid.

So, I did some digging and found out some interesting facts:

• On-line dating sites report that more than 70% of their members are men, and men are more likely, (by a factor of 2:1) to date multiple women simultaneously
• Off-line dating services appeal to mostly women by a factor of anywhere from 3:1 to a staggering 5:1!
• Men trend towards dating for the sole purpose of not being alone, while women report that their purpose for dating is to find a husband.
• Professional matchmakers coach women to not ‘scare off men’ by talking about commitment or family and counsel them to expect that men won’t call back after the first date.

Wow, we got it good – it’s great to be a guy right?

Wrong.

Where the hell are the guys? Looks to me that men are hiding in the comfort of their computers and doing some serious shopping around. And when they do find the courage to go out and meet a woman; chances are her first is his last and she better sell herself in the first few minutes or he’s going to yell out “check please.”

What happened to men? Did we get scared off by decades of feminist thinking? Are we afraid of being labeled as knuckle-dragging Troglodytes or worse misogynists?

Nope, I don’t think it’s really anything to do with any of this, although this does lurk in the background of our minds. I believe the primary reason men are hiding is that deep down we’re afraid of rejection. So much so, that we can’t stand to not be in control of a potential romantic situation. In fact we’re more afraid of rejection than women are; most of us just can’t tolerate the pain of a no.

Gentlemen, as human beings we learn through experience. Our humanness is defined by our willingness to test ourselves over and over again and learn from those experiences to become stronger. It seems we understand this when it comes to sports, war, business, video games and poker, but when it comes to love we’ve fallen off of our bicycles and we don’t want to get back on the seat again.

Women have picked up on this for quite a while now – it’s what they really mean when they accuse men of being commitment phobic. They know we’re scared shitless.

What’s it going to take for men to get their stones back?

If The Choice was Hillary or Sarah - How Would Men Vote?

It's an interesting question really.  Given the choice between the intellectual, worldly, business-friendly Hillary Clinton or 'the common woman,' soccer mom of Sarah Palin, which woman would most men choose to vote for?  Clearly the RNC are hopeful that the popular female vote will create a tidal surge towards Palin, while the Democrats, choosing Biden over Clinton, remain convinced that international experience on the ticket will lead to a win.  

I'm confident, for the most part, that our world is no longer in a quandary around whether women make powerful leaders.  So the question is which brand of woman politician really appeals to men.  If men were to choose solely based on their powers of reason, I believe Hillary Clinton is the obvious choice.  Any man can imagine her sitting at the head of a boardroom table, or standing at a podium at the United Nations General Assembly.  However, like Mary Tyler Moore's icy character in 'Ordinary People,' or Sigourney Weaver's dis-interested and distant character in 'Ice Storm," this brand of feminine is not the type of woman a man wants to open up his heart and share his soul. 

This is the brilliance of Sarah Palin.  She's tough, yet nurturing, scrappy and loving, she can change a diaper, lead a pep rally and shake hands with the leaders of the G8. And that's why I think there will be many men in Middle America who in November will see her as an asset on the Republican ticket.  Sarah Palin is reflective of their own wives, sisters, and yes, the most powerful female role model in their lives, Mom.

The Penis Dialogues

What is it with men and our penises.  This thing which takes up space between our legs is equally our best friend, confidant, secret lover, idol, and the root of much of our shame and egoic behaviours.  Men can be "no apologies necessary," dicks, all cock and balls as it were penetrating the world with bravado and waving this erected sense of ourselves around like Darth Vader's light sabre, (note the helmet);  or we can be pillars of strength and vitality spreading our love in a money-shot of abundance.  Men have strongly identified themselves with their organ and, interestingly enough, women have distanced themselves from theirs.  

Suffice it to say gentlemen, that you have what you have and it's what you will always have.  And the sooner we all accept this dangling reality we, and the rest of the planet will be a much happier place.  

Here's a challenge.  Taking a page from Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues, write an ode to your penis and feel free to post it here.

btw, according to a top Urologist in Toronto - Red Korean Ginseng is the only 'natural' product out there with the proven effect of sustaining an erection.

Now the question becomes, what do you choose to do with it?