Where Are All The Men?

"Where are all of the men?"

This is the question I was asked recently by a young woman who, single and attractive, was actively dating and blasé when it came to her experiences with men. “They’re not men,” she told me, “they’re like big kids.” She went on to tell me that men are commitment phobic, fake, and often miss-represent themselves, or worse, talk so much about themselves during a date that they hard sell themselves right out of getting laid.

So, I did some digging and found out some interesting facts:

• On-line dating sites report that more than 70% of their members are men, and men are more likely, (by a factor of 2:1) to date multiple women simultaneously
• Off-line dating services appeal to mostly women by a factor of anywhere from 3:1 to a staggering 5:1!
• Men trend towards dating for the sole purpose of not being alone, while women report that their purpose for dating is to find a husband.
• Professional matchmakers coach women to not ‘scare off men’ by talking about commitment or family and counsel them to expect that men won’t call back after the first date.

Wow, we got it good – it’s great to be a guy right?

Wrong.

Where the hell are the guys? Looks to me that men are hiding in the comfort of their computers and doing some serious shopping around. And when they do find the courage to go out and meet a woman; chances are her first is his last and she better sell herself in the first few minutes or he’s going to yell out “check please.”

What happened to men? Did we get scared off by decades of feminist thinking? Are we afraid of being labeled as knuckle-dragging Troglodytes or worse misogynists?

Nope, I don’t think it’s really anything to do with any of this, although this does lurk in the background of our minds. I believe the primary reason men are hiding is that deep down we’re afraid of rejection. So much so, that we can’t stand to not be in control of a potential romantic situation. In fact we’re more afraid of rejection than women are; most of us just can’t tolerate the pain of a no.

Gentlemen, as human beings we learn through experience. Our humanness is defined by our willingness to test ourselves over and over again and learn from those experiences to become stronger. It seems we understand this when it comes to sports, war, business, video games and poker, but when it comes to love we’ve fallen off of our bicycles and we don’t want to get back on the seat again.

Women have picked up on this for quite a while now – it’s what they really mean when they accuse men of being commitment phobic. They know we’re scared shitless.

What’s it going to take for men to get their stones back?