Tuesday, December 30, 2008

As A Man, Who Am I?

It's a question I've been asking myself as I look ahead to 2009. What I mean by this self-evaluation is who am I and who am I being relative to how am I being? Are my thoughts and behaviours reflective of who I am or, are there still pervasive elements of unconsciousness in how I am being. When I take a fearless inventory of me I know there are a couple of aspects of my life which stand out:

Fatherhood: I can feel that I'm on the edge of myself as a man most when it comes to fathering our 11 year old son. I see and experience him growing up exponentially and I know my role is to be his guide morally and spiritually and that I do this most effectively through modeling to him my own life. What stands out most for me now are those parts of my life that I still have to heal; the parts which are suspended in adolescent wounds, which themselves are extensions or by-products of earlier childhood experiences. Frankly, sometimes I don't want to do the work necessary to uncover, process and re-write these wounds; there are times when my mind says I'm too tired to do the work. And yet, I also know I must, otherwise I will lose my son and perhaps more importantly he will grow into and join the legion of 'lost boys' out there - just as I was at one time.

Purpose: I know I have found my purpose. I feel right in every fibre of my body when I am working with men who are passionately learning about themselves and fearlessly changing their lives. It's the closest thing I have come that I would say is a calling. All the mechanisms and moments of my life seem to have been designed for this time, this work, and a mission yet to come. So what's all the fear about? This what I consistently ask my self. I mean I'm on purpose, I feel connected all around and yet I feel fear. It's beyond nervous excitement. My fear bloats up in my belly and effectively dampens the fire.

This fear I believe is my pre-dominant work for this year. I know this because I feel it more profoundly than ever before and certainly more frequently as I grow. I know my fear stands between me and my being, and I long for what I believe will be the quiet certainty of fearless living.

This is 2009 for me.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

JUDGMENT DAY

It’s inevitable. There are going to be guys you like and guys who piss you off. If you’re like most men you’ll avoid the guys you don’t like because being around them makes you feel very uncomfortable. And in doing so you’ll shrink away from one of the most powerful learning experiences you can have in your life. I’ve said it before in this column; learning is not supposed to be pleasant, it can be, but often the lessons which really stick with us are the ones that have come with some pain.

What is a judgment anyway?

When I interpret another man’s actions or words as meaning something, regardless of whether that meaning is something painful or comfortable then I am forming a judgment about him. My judgments are nothing more than my interpretations. And because my interpretations belong to me my judgments are always based on my own experiences.

Simply put I can only see in another man what I can also recognize in myself, or as one program puts it: “If you can spot it, you got it.” So if I judge that a guy is direct, honest, and a good friend, it’s because I can see those qualities in myself reflected back by the guy in front of me. Conversely, if I judge a guy as a douche I’m seeing the douche in me mirrored back at me.

Yes, the world is full of jerks and whiners, posers, and martyrs, even bullies, victims, and heroes. The truth about life is that once I go looking for something I’m likely to find a whole bunch of it. We tend to see what we want to see. If I judge the world as uncaring and harsh – I’m likely holding some of that energy myself and projecting it out onto everyone else. Try this experiment: For one day, count the number of red Miatas you see. I guarantee you by the end of the day you’ll believe that everyone drives a red Miata.

So to bring this all back to judgments; if everyone is a mirror of me then what I don’t like about me, what I can’t stand to look at, will likely cause me great pain and strife when I see it reflected back to me by another. This is how judgments become a learning opportunity. If I have the courage to look beneath what I don’t like about another person I can learn a lot about my judgments of myself.

Remember judgments are nothing more than thoughts, which over time have become stories, and further stories which, with more time, have become beliefs. You’re beliefs about yourself are nothing more than stories. And if you’re going to tell yourself a story you might as well tell yourself one that makes you feel good.

Given that we’re approaching a global time of goodwill and peace, I’m asking you to take one day in the next twelve, and make it Judgment Day; a day where you look at all of your judgments of others and make peace with how you see yourself.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Hey Sean Avery - You Are The Sloppy Second!

Wow, I wonder what Brett Hull is thinking right now? I mean, he paid for $15.5 million for a guy who is tied for 210th place in NHL scoring. The Stars are eating up almost $4 million in salary cap space a year for a player who is on pace for 10 goals this season and spends more time firing his mouth off than putting the puck in the net. The guy in question is Dallas Stars’ Sean Avery. Avery demonstrated this week that there is no bottom too low for a guy to stoop. In an apparent off the cuff interview that was pre-meditated and badly staged, Avery slammed his ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert and her new beau displaying his true essence and how he views the world. To Sean Avery, the world is his for the taking, his to manipulate and his to run amok. Narcissistic at best, sociopathic at worst, Avery believes that you and I and most everyone else are beneath him.

Let’s be real here. Avery’s antics on the whole are not steeped in macho bravado and neither are they born from a post-Jackass or Punk’d root; they’re not even meant to entertain. Avery is in this for himself and for his own amusement. He thinks he’s funny.

And this is the truest sign of his character. A true narcissist, unlike the common misunderstanding of the word is not in love with himself – he despises, even hates himself often beyond measure. The narcissist’s focus on his life, his world and everything about himself may, on the surface, look like admiration yet it is really the way in which the individual creates and maintains their own hyper-critical radar screen. And they don’t like much of what they see.

I’ve been tagged many times for being over analytical, and yet, I think this time, with Sean Avery it’s merited. Because you see the only reason Sean Avery is able to function at this level of immaturity in the world is because other men have allowed it to happen.

That’s right. We’re complicit in how this guy and every other boy walking around in a man’s body acts and is permitted to dysfunction in our society. Our apathy, or lack of courage in confronting the Sean Averys of the world becomes the fuel for their continued assault on our values and principles; not only as a society but more importantly as men.

How is a guy like Sean Avery permitted to shoot his mouth off and behave like a reckless, irresponsible, pissed off teenager and have no one really stand up to him? I think it’s because most men while publicly condemning Avery secretly condone his anti-authority, anti-convention stance because it mirrors their own desire to flip a finger at the man and his rules. We like rebels because they speak to our own inner rebellion. Our only caveat is that they not go too far. You know, it’s okay to tell a few off-colour or sexist jokes, perhaps even treat other races or women as second class citizens but you better not offend me, my mother or my sister.

Nice double standard.

The world is at a turning point gentlemen and what we have now is going to be radically different a decade from now. Boys like Sean Avery will have no place in the new ways of the world because they will have lost the plot having never fully matured. Our world needs men not whiny, smug, righteously indignant punks.