Tuesday, June 29, 2010

He Has A Blowout With His Daughter - Anger Understood

Hey GuyExpert,

I just had a blowout with my 17-year-old daughter. While I didn’t hit her, in a rage I did grab her wrists and shove her up against a wall. She is now afraid of me and my wife is threatening our 20-year marriage ending if I don’t get help for my ‘anger issue.’ My daughter provoked me and outside of this event, I’ve never done this before so I don’t think I have an issue – what do you think? O.S. Ottawa


Well, I think there’s something brewing inside of you and given the right strike point, provocation or trigger there’s a greater likelihood that you will use physical force to make your point. Read and re-read my first sentence O.S., because how you read it will determine whether you believe you have an issue with anger. I believe that once a person learns the most effective method for them to be heard, seen, or get their own way they will tend to use that way with greater frequency. It seems as though your method is becoming physical force.

Men have lots of confusing messages about anger with some using anger to empower their fear, blanket their sadness, or assert control in chaotic areas of their life. Still, many other men choke or swallow back any sign of their anger preferring to have it leak out in a multitude of numbing, self-sabotaging or avoidance behaviours. In all, I believe anger is getting a bad rap and taking the blame for what is really a lack of understanding, experience, and choice for most men. You see O.S., anger is not the problem – how you express anger is. Most men have never mastered a relationship to their own anger and so they are reactively angry rather than choosing to express anger responsibly. Responsible anger has a man be seen and heard, while reactive anger disconnects him from the world.

In my Anger Inc TM, workshop O.S., men learn all about their anger; it’s roots, the early physical warning signs, their ‘triggers’ and ‘buttons’, and several, highly-effective tactics for expressing anger responsibly. In my life learning how to be responsibly angry is a discipline that has helped me transform from a wounded, violent young man to a middle-aged man whose anger is expressed responsibly, when appropriate. Two important women in your life O.S. are telling you they’re scared and on the edge – are you man enough to hear them and shine a floodlight on this blind spot in your life, or will you ignore them and let this volcano simmer? I suspect that because you’ve taken the step of writing to me that you’re somewhat curious they might be right. Follow your impulse with courage O.S., and you will learn what anger is really all about.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Is His Porn Habit The Real Issue? You Decide.

My son was fired from his job for watching pornography on his work computer. He says that at his age, (26), pornography is everywhere and everyone does it and it’s not a big deal. In my day I had a private stash of Playboys and Penthouses – so, I’m not sure what the right message is to give him anymore – keep it personal, or go with the flow.

P.A. Ottawa

Sure this is a confusing time when it comes to some of our social morals and values but the real issue here is not pornography it’s boundaries. I make no judgement when it comes to porn primarily because I know of people and couples where it works for them and some where it clearly does not. I will say that a person’s porn preferences say a lot about how they see themselves because what they find attractive is an outward projection and reflection of their inner self. Watching porn can be healthy I believe as long as it is not sabotaging my emotional health or sacrificing intimacy with others close to me. If you suspect that this latter statement is true for your son then perhaps his relationship to porn needs attention.

But, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t believe porn is big the issue here. Your son’s un-willingness to curb his porn habit during work is really about boundaries. His behaviour is out of context with his environment and what is expected of him in that environment. Forming healthy boundaries is an essential life skill of an emotionally mature adult. Boundaries help us self-regulate our actions and affirm our unique human ability to choose how we behave. Without boundaries we would all be walking and talking reactions and chaos would ensue.

Contrary to what your son believes, getting caught with porn at the workplace is a big deal. Many companies take watching porn at work quite seriously and I believe they should. I go to work to work and if I am going to work to do anything other than work, then perhaps that’s a big sign that the job isn’t working for me. As men we need to stop the kind of thinking that says boredom is a necessary evil of working. Work is important. Our economy is constipated with the collective impact of too many men, and women, un-inspired and therefore distracted in their jobs. If more guys understood that their work is an extension of their purpose I think we would see fewer and fewer men like your son using company resources to entertain themselves.

The conversation to have with your son is about his work ethic not his porn consumption. Before you have that chat make sure you do a little personal inventory. As a man, what have you taught this young man about work?