As A Man, Who Am I?

It's a question I've been asking myself as I look ahead to 2009. What I mean by this self-evaluation is who am I and who am I being relative to how am I being? Are my thoughts and behaviours reflective of who I am or, are there still pervasive elements of unconsciousness in how I am being. When I take a fearless inventory of me I know there are a couple of aspects of my life which stand out:

Fatherhood: I can feel that I'm on the edge of myself as a man most when it comes to fathering our 11 year old son. I see and experience him growing up exponentially and I know my role is to be his guide morally and spiritually and that I do this most effectively through modeling to him my own life. What stands out most for me now are those parts of my life that I still have to heal; the parts which are suspended in adolescent wounds, which themselves are extensions or by-products of earlier childhood experiences. Frankly, sometimes I don't want to do the work necessary to uncover, process and re-write these wounds; there are times when my mind says I'm too tired to do the work. And yet, I also know I must, otherwise I will lose my son and perhaps more importantly he will grow into and join the legion of 'lost boys' out there - just as I was at one time.

Purpose: I know I have found my purpose. I feel right in every fibre of my body when I am working with men who are passionately learning about themselves and fearlessly changing their lives. It's the closest thing I have come that I would say is a calling. All the mechanisms and moments of my life seem to have been designed for this time, this work, and a mission yet to come. So what's all the fear about? This what I consistently ask my self. I mean I'm on purpose, I feel connected all around and yet I feel fear. It's beyond nervous excitement. My fear bloats up in my belly and effectively dampens the fire.

This fear I believe is my pre-dominant work for this year. I know this because I feel it more profoundly than ever before and certainly more frequently as I grow. I know my fear stands between me and my being, and I long for what I believe will be the quiet certainty of fearless living.

This is 2009 for me.

JUDGMENT DAY

It’s inevitable. There are going to be guys you like and guys who piss you off. If you’re like most men you’ll avoid the guys you don’t like because being around them makes you feel very uncomfortable. And in doing so you’ll shrink away from one of the most powerful learning experiences you can have in your life. I’ve said it before in this column; learning is not supposed to be pleasant, it can be, but often the lessons which really stick with us are the ones that have come with some pain.

What is a judgment anyway?

When I interpret another man’s actions or words as meaning something, regardless of whether that meaning is something painful or comfortable then I am forming a judgment about him. My judgments are nothing more than my interpretations. And because my interpretations belong to me my judgments are always based on my own experiences.

Simply put I can only see in another man what I can also recognize in myself, or as one program puts it: “If you can spot it, you got it.” So if I judge that a guy is direct, honest, and a good friend, it’s because I can see those qualities in myself reflected back by the guy in front of me. Conversely, if I judge a guy as a douche I’m seeing the douche in me mirrored back at me.

Yes, the world is full of jerks and whiners, posers, and martyrs, even bullies, victims, and heroes. The truth about life is that once I go looking for something I’m likely to find a whole bunch of it. We tend to see what we want to see. If I judge the world as uncaring and harsh – I’m likely holding some of that energy myself and projecting it out onto everyone else. Try this experiment: For one day, count the number of red Miatas you see. I guarantee you by the end of the day you’ll believe that everyone drives a red Miata.

So to bring this all back to judgments; if everyone is a mirror of me then what I don’t like about me, what I can’t stand to look at, will likely cause me great pain and strife when I see it reflected back to me by another. This is how judgments become a learning opportunity. If I have the courage to look beneath what I don’t like about another person I can learn a lot about my judgments of myself.

Remember judgments are nothing more than thoughts, which over time have become stories, and further stories which, with more time, have become beliefs. You’re beliefs about yourself are nothing more than stories. And if you’re going to tell yourself a story you might as well tell yourself one that makes you feel good.

Given that we’re approaching a global time of goodwill and peace, I’m asking you to take one day in the next twelve, and make it Judgment Day; a day where you look at all of your judgments of others and make peace with how you see yourself.

Hey Sean Avery - You Are The Sloppy Second!

Wow, I wonder what Brett Hull is thinking right now? I mean, he paid for $15.5 million for a guy who is tied for 210th place in NHL scoring. The Stars are eating up almost $4 million in salary cap space a year for a player who is on pace for 10 goals this season and spends more time firing his mouth off than putting the puck in the net. The guy in question is Dallas Stars’ Sean Avery. Avery demonstrated this week that there is no bottom too low for a guy to stoop. In an apparent off the cuff interview that was pre-meditated and badly staged, Avery slammed his ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert and her new beau displaying his true essence and how he views the world. To Sean Avery, the world is his for the taking, his to manipulate and his to run amok. Narcissistic at best, sociopathic at worst, Avery believes that you and I and most everyone else are beneath him.

Let’s be real here. Avery’s antics on the whole are not steeped in macho bravado and neither are they born from a post-Jackass or Punk’d root; they’re not even meant to entertain. Avery is in this for himself and for his own amusement. He thinks he’s funny.

And this is the truest sign of his character. A true narcissist, unlike the common misunderstanding of the word is not in love with himself – he despises, even hates himself often beyond measure. The narcissist’s focus on his life, his world and everything about himself may, on the surface, look like admiration yet it is really the way in which the individual creates and maintains their own hyper-critical radar screen. And they don’t like much of what they see.

I’ve been tagged many times for being over analytical, and yet, I think this time, with Sean Avery it’s merited. Because you see the only reason Sean Avery is able to function at this level of immaturity in the world is because other men have allowed it to happen.

That’s right. We’re complicit in how this guy and every other boy walking around in a man’s body acts and is permitted to dysfunction in our society. Our apathy, or lack of courage in confronting the Sean Averys of the world becomes the fuel for their continued assault on our values and principles; not only as a society but more importantly as men.

How is a guy like Sean Avery permitted to shoot his mouth off and behave like a reckless, irresponsible, pissed off teenager and have no one really stand up to him? I think it’s because most men while publicly condemning Avery secretly condone his anti-authority, anti-convention stance because it mirrors their own desire to flip a finger at the man and his rules. We like rebels because they speak to our own inner rebellion. Our only caveat is that they not go too far. You know, it’s okay to tell a few off-colour or sexist jokes, perhaps even treat other races or women as second class citizens but you better not offend me, my mother or my sister.

Nice double standard.

The world is at a turning point gentlemen and what we have now is going to be radically different a decade from now. Boys like Sean Avery will have no place in the new ways of the world because they will have lost the plot having never fully matured. Our world needs men not whiny, smug, righteously indignant punks.

Where Are All The Men?

"Where are all of the men?"

This is the question I was asked recently by a young woman who, single and attractive, was actively dating and blasé when it came to her experiences with men. “They’re not men,” she told me, “they’re like big kids.” She went on to tell me that men are commitment phobic, fake, and often miss-represent themselves, or worse, talk so much about themselves during a date that they hard sell themselves right out of getting laid.

So, I did some digging and found out some interesting facts:

• On-line dating sites report that more than 70% of their members are men, and men are more likely, (by a factor of 2:1) to date multiple women simultaneously
• Off-line dating services appeal to mostly women by a factor of anywhere from 3:1 to a staggering 5:1!
• Men trend towards dating for the sole purpose of not being alone, while women report that their purpose for dating is to find a husband.
• Professional matchmakers coach women to not ‘scare off men’ by talking about commitment or family and counsel them to expect that men won’t call back after the first date.

Wow, we got it good – it’s great to be a guy right?

Wrong.

Where the hell are the guys? Looks to me that men are hiding in the comfort of their computers and doing some serious shopping around. And when they do find the courage to go out and meet a woman; chances are her first is his last and she better sell herself in the first few minutes or he’s going to yell out “check please.”

What happened to men? Did we get scared off by decades of feminist thinking? Are we afraid of being labeled as knuckle-dragging Troglodytes or worse misogynists?

Nope, I don’t think it’s really anything to do with any of this, although this does lurk in the background of our minds. I believe the primary reason men are hiding is that deep down we’re afraid of rejection. So much so, that we can’t stand to not be in control of a potential romantic situation. In fact we’re more afraid of rejection than women are; most of us just can’t tolerate the pain of a no.

Gentlemen, as human beings we learn through experience. Our humanness is defined by our willingness to test ourselves over and over again and learn from those experiences to become stronger. It seems we understand this when it comes to sports, war, business, video games and poker, but when it comes to love we’ve fallen off of our bicycles and we don’t want to get back on the seat again.

Women have picked up on this for quite a while now – it’s what they really mean when they accuse men of being commitment phobic. They know we’re scared shitless.

What’s it going to take for men to get their stones back?

Will The Best Man Win?

So, here we are at the precipice of what has been billed as the most important election in U.S. history.  Three men and one woman are squaring off for the world's most influential job.  It's a job which has the power to change markets, shift the global balance of power and set the world-wide agenda of what gets our attention.  

Politics aside, I'm left wondering if the best man will win?  What I mean by that is which man has demonstrated that he's truly ready for the job?  In my view it's Joe Biden.  

Biden is unshakeable in his beliefs around family; he's gifted in his understanding of foreign policy and he has weathered decades of domestic shifts which have given him a seasoned perspective on where America has been and, more importantly, where America needs to go.

There's a truism in the packaged goods business when it comes to selecting the best team for a job.  When the job is launching a new product you need a young, fresh team of creative thinkers and innovators who will wedge the product into what is likely either a market first, or an already crowded category.  A new idea by its very nature deserves the kind of out of the box thinking which youth can deliver.

However, when the job is the kind of trench warfare where combatants crawl on their bellies for percentages of market share you need a team which is deep in experience.  You put your 'old guys' on the job because they have the wisdom, history and humility necessary for the long game.

I believe America has fallen for its own hype and by that I mean she has been seduced by the shiny attractiveness of 'new' which drives the American dream.   Obama is certainly gifted and talented and so is McCain, yet neither of them truly have the global or domestic experience which is mandatory to pull America out of her listing.  And though it seems that the nation is captivated by the promise of "It's Time For A Change," they've collectively lost sight of the necessity for consistency and the value of old.  And Sarah Palin for all of her 'get up and go,' is nothing more than pre-mature; she's simply not ready for the 2008 gig.  Joe Biden on the other hand is, and in my view, the strongest man on the ticket.  Biden deserves to win because experience has taught us as human beings that age trumps youth when it comes to truly moving our species forward.    

Virtually Living

I’m sure many of you saw and have heard about the story of the woman who murdered her ‘husband’s avatar on Maple Story because earlier he had divorced her. Apparently being dumped by her online spouse was too much rejection for this bride-zilla to handle and she sought revenge by having him banned, effectively snuffing him out.

What is going on here people? How did this even make the news? How is it that our dysfunctional relationship baggage is now running amok in the land of bits and bytes?

The simple and poignant answer is because we’re human beings and we bring our relationship patterns, good or bad, everywhere we go. What showed up online was merely a digital extension of the crazy antics that these two lovebirds engage in within their real lives. The principle “how we do one thing, is how we do everything,” is what is at play here.

As human beings we’re creatures of habit and we tend to want to control our lives to reduce the level of chaos we experience. Over the course of our lives we develop ways of doing things, behaviours that serve to reduce the amount of pain we experience. Some of us run away, some of us tell secrets, some of us argue, others lie and cheat, and most of us seek to distract ourselves from a reality which is too difficult or challenging and, where we don’t feel great about who we are.

Enter the world of avatars. A world where I can create a version of me imbued with all of the ‘powers’ and abilities that I believe will make me a better me. My avatar can say and do things I wouldn’t be comfortable doing or saying in-person; my avatar can live a life that I believe for me is un-believable.

What screws with this idyllic picture however, is our unconscious; that nasty hitchhiker in our minds who actually does the driving of our life. Our unconscious is conditioned to respond in certain ways to help us avoid pain – whether that pain be real or imagined; reality or virtual. And this is why a host of problems or dysfunctions are now showing up in the virtual world.

I think this is only the beginning. In the next few years we’re going to see through our avatars all of the dysfunction that we bring to our real world relationships. Personally, I believe this is a good thing for humanity, as it will lead to us waking up our whole brains to the ways we behave. Once the whole brain is awake and attentive to what I am doing it suddenly realizes the insanity of myself and seeks to change it.

Then what is virtual becomes reality. What was once an escape now becomes the best therapy tool we’ve ever created. So here’s to more online divorce, murder, infidelity, and violent crime. Let yourselves go wild people. Play out all of your fantasies; desires and hurts through your avatars so they are no longer hidden in your mind and let the insane chaos of your unconscious reveal itself. Healing is just a click away.

4 Powerful Questions Every Man Asks Himself

In my experience of working with men, the principal distinction which separates a man from a boy is a man's willingness to ask himself difficult and powerful questions.  It is the truest measure of masculinity and maturity; deep self-inquiry.  Asking powerful questions leads a man towards powerful conversations with himself and others and ultimately lands him at a place of solid, indisputable knowing of who he is as a man and what he stands for.  

So many men shirk from deep inquiry as if it's the realm of metrosexuals, celebrities, or even worse,...women.  Thankfully, for men who abandon the process of finding out who they really are, the universe provides an abundance of 'wake-up calls,' which are designed to stop them in their tracks and ask, perhaps for the first time, who the hell am I?  Personally, I'd rather ask myself a challenging question or have a trusted friend give me some straight feedback about me as a man, than have a near death experience, or lose a loved one before I get the importance of my life.

So, in my view, here are 4 powerful questions every Man asks himself.

1. What does love mean to me?

2. Am I living my life out of my deepest fear?

3. Which value would I defend with my life?

4. What is my ego's fatal flaw?

A powerful man clothes himself in the truth of who he is and moves forward in the world by taking steps which deepen his awareness and builds his self worth.  He impacts and leads others by knowing that he only has control over himself.

If The Choice was Hillary or Sarah - How Would Men Vote?

It's an interesting question really.  Given the choice between the intellectual, worldly, business-friendly Hillary Clinton or 'the common woman,' soccer mom of Sarah Palin, which woman would most men choose to vote for?  Clearly the RNC are hopeful that the popular female vote will create a tidal surge towards Palin, while the Democrats, choosing Biden over Clinton, remain convinced that international experience on the ticket will lead to a win.  

I'm confident, for the most part, that our world is no longer in a quandary around whether women make powerful leaders.  So the question is which brand of woman politician really appeals to men.  If men were to choose solely based on their powers of reason, I believe Hillary Clinton is the obvious choice.  Any man can imagine her sitting at the head of a boardroom table, or standing at a podium at the United Nations General Assembly.  However, like Mary Tyler Moore's icy character in 'Ordinary People,' or Sigourney Weaver's dis-interested and distant character in 'Ice Storm," this brand of feminine is not the type of woman a man wants to open up his heart and share his soul. 

This is the brilliance of Sarah Palin.  She's tough, yet nurturing, scrappy and loving, she can change a diaper, lead a pep rally and shake hands with the leaders of the G8. And that's why I think there will be many men in Middle America who in November will see her as an asset on the Republican ticket.  Sarah Palin is reflective of their own wives, sisters, and yes, the most powerful female role model in their lives, Mom.

The Penis Dialogues

What is it with men and our penises.  This thing which takes up space between our legs is equally our best friend, confidant, secret lover, idol, and the root of much of our shame and egoic behaviours.  Men can be "no apologies necessary," dicks, all cock and balls as it were penetrating the world with bravado and waving this erected sense of ourselves around like Darth Vader's light sabre, (note the helmet);  or we can be pillars of strength and vitality spreading our love in a money-shot of abundance.  Men have strongly identified themselves with their organ and, interestingly enough, women have distanced themselves from theirs.  

Suffice it to say gentlemen, that you have what you have and it's what you will always have.  And the sooner we all accept this dangling reality we, and the rest of the planet will be a much happier place.  

Here's a challenge.  Taking a page from Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues, write an ode to your penis and feel free to post it here.

btw, according to a top Urologist in Toronto - Red Korean Ginseng is the only 'natural' product out there with the proven effect of sustaining an erection.

Now the question becomes, what do you choose to do with it?