As A Man, Who Am I?

It's a question I've been asking myself as I look ahead to 2009. What I mean by this self-evaluation is who am I and who am I being relative to how am I being? Are my thoughts and behaviours reflective of who I am or, are there still pervasive elements of unconsciousness in how I am being. When I take a fearless inventory of me I know there are a couple of aspects of my life which stand out:

Fatherhood: I can feel that I'm on the edge of myself as a man most when it comes to fathering our 11 year old son. I see and experience him growing up exponentially and I know my role is to be his guide morally and spiritually and that I do this most effectively through modeling to him my own life. What stands out most for me now are those parts of my life that I still have to heal; the parts which are suspended in adolescent wounds, which themselves are extensions or by-products of earlier childhood experiences. Frankly, sometimes I don't want to do the work necessary to uncover, process and re-write these wounds; there are times when my mind says I'm too tired to do the work. And yet, I also know I must, otherwise I will lose my son and perhaps more importantly he will grow into and join the legion of 'lost boys' out there - just as I was at one time.

Purpose: I know I have found my purpose. I feel right in every fibre of my body when I am working with men who are passionately learning about themselves and fearlessly changing their lives. It's the closest thing I have come that I would say is a calling. All the mechanisms and moments of my life seem to have been designed for this time, this work, and a mission yet to come. So what's all the fear about? This what I consistently ask my self. I mean I'm on purpose, I feel connected all around and yet I feel fear. It's beyond nervous excitement. My fear bloats up in my belly and effectively dampens the fire.

This fear I believe is my pre-dominant work for this year. I know this because I feel it more profoundly than ever before and certainly more frequently as I grow. I know my fear stands between me and my being, and I long for what I believe will be the quiet certainty of fearless living.

This is 2009 for me.