Is His Porn Habit The Real Issue? You Decide.

My son was fired from his job for watching pornography on his work computer. He says that at his age, (26), pornography is everywhere and everyone does it and it’s not a big deal. In my day I had a private stash of Playboys and Penthouses – so, I’m not sure what the right message is to give him anymore – keep it personal, or go with the flow.

P.A. Ottawa

Sure this is a confusing time when it comes to some of our social morals and values but the real issue here is not pornography it’s boundaries. I make no judgement when it comes to porn primarily because I know of people and couples where it works for them and some where it clearly does not. I will say that a person’s porn preferences say a lot about how they see themselves because what they find attractive is an outward projection and reflection of their inner self. Watching porn can be healthy I believe as long as it is not sabotaging my emotional health or sacrificing intimacy with others close to me. If you suspect that this latter statement is true for your son then perhaps his relationship to porn needs attention.

But, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t believe porn is big the issue here. Your son’s un-willingness to curb his porn habit during work is really about boundaries. His behaviour is out of context with his environment and what is expected of him in that environment. Forming healthy boundaries is an essential life skill of an emotionally mature adult. Boundaries help us self-regulate our actions and affirm our unique human ability to choose how we behave. Without boundaries we would all be walking and talking reactions and chaos would ensue.

Contrary to what your son believes, getting caught with porn at the workplace is a big deal. Many companies take watching porn at work quite seriously and I believe they should. I go to work to work and if I am going to work to do anything other than work, then perhaps that’s a big sign that the job isn’t working for me. As men we need to stop the kind of thinking that says boredom is a necessary evil of working. Work is important. Our economy is constipated with the collective impact of too many men, and women, un-inspired and therefore distracted in their jobs. If more guys understood that their work is an extension of their purpose I think we would see fewer and fewer men like your son using company resources to entertain themselves.

The conversation to have with your son is about his work ethic not his porn consumption. Before you have that chat make sure you do a little personal inventory. As a man, what have you taught this young man about work?