Monday, July 25, 2011

"If You're Looking For Sympathy,..."

it's between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."

Wise words passed on from father to son which the latter shared with me a while back.  I've heard a few nuggets like this "suck it up, buttercup", "why don't you go back to your mommy, little boy", many, like these ones are offered as an antidote to a perceived emotional disease. 

Apparently that disease is contagious if unchecked or corrected.  It's certainly uncomfortable to be with which is why men, and women, fathers, and mothers, are so quick to make sure boys, and girls do not 'wallow in their misery."  What good could possibly come from steeping in a feeling, right?  Most of us never know the answer to that question because our social messaging tells us to stay away from feeling deeply the same way it tells us not to open the closet door in a horror movie.  You just don't know what's in there and whether you'll make it out alive if you open that damn door.

Sometimes these wise words are offered as a kind of tool to help someone fix what is obviously broken.  Ideally a tool is designed to make a job easier, more efficient and effective.  In so many ways these types of words are like throwing a bucket to someone who is drowning. 

And so a thought becomes a story which after time becomes a belief - parent to child.  Bell Hooks, alludes to this in her book "Men, Masculinity and The Will To Change".  In her view this code of emotional silence is a pervasive component of patriarchy that both fathers and mothers buy into and promote so little boys grow into strong men and little girls grow into strong women.  Hooks targets patriarchy as the culprit - for me, I think the origin is more primal.

A good friend John Giffen is involved in an incredibly brave organization which aims to counter this social evolution with a pivotal, mentoring process for teenage boys (ages 13 - 17).  Boys To Men,(btmcanada.org) runs a process called a Rights Of Passage Adventure Weekend and there's a weekend coming up in Vermont in August, which, those of you who know some young men who are searching for some answers and guidance, I would encourage you to check it out and spread the word.

Sometimes a guy's deepest fear about coming to a mens' group is that he is going to encounter a bunch of "wimps sobbing and crying in their laps."  What I say to those guys is that my experience of mens' group is that every guy has the opportunity to feel anything and everything he feels fully.  That last word is the key.  Fully.  No limits.

It's the one place a guy "can get it all out."  It's the one place where a guy may not only receive useful tools and maybe sympathy, but more importantly empathy.

Our next 20 week session of mens group begins on Tuesday, August 9th, 2011, at 7 p.m., and we will continue every Tuesday evening until December 20th, 2011.  Give me a call If you're interested in joining us and please send this to a guy who you believe would benefit from the experience.

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