Manly Mo's

Does facial hair make a man more manly? In this apparent age of sleek and clean albeit hair-less - are men who grow facial hair growing more masculine? Celebrities and fashion role models want us to believe that the new normal for men includes beards and moustaches. Is facial hair an overt visual clue to the world that a man is no longer a boy?

I don't know. But as a guy whose face is a comedian; growing hair in staccato punchlines rather than a smooth, consistent delivery, these are questions I have asked myself. I remember as a teenager seeing a picture of The Stones with beards and thinking that they were manly men; the bushier the beard the more manly the man. Now as I reflect back, the 70's were all about facial hair for men. Thirty years later it's 2009 and a group of men around the globe are now in the throes of cultivating moustache farms on their faces all for the noble cause of raising funds for prostate cancer. Movember is the month, the cause and, if I can

go out on a limb here perhaps the beginnings of a new Mens' movement. To date, the Movember men have raised more than $51 Million for Prostate Cancer - and this year is lining up to be their best year yet.

Check Movember out. And ladies, there's a place for you in all of this stubble action - you can become a Mo'Sistah and support the growth of this campaign.

That's me on the right - three days in to my Mo'

Excellent Script Writer Seeks New Stories!

No, this isn't an employment call for Hollywood wordsmiths or pitchmen looking to soapbox their latest stories. Rather, it's a plea. I'm looking for excellent scripts about you and the people around you; stories in which the characters are real the situations are also real and either tense, boring, hilarious, or terrifying, and the outcome may never be resolved.

I'm looking for you to tell me who you are which is to say who you think you are and who you have convinced others you are. We all have a script and as we write our lives we add people and details to a story to which we are desperately attached.

Please send me your script, (100 words or less), anonymously if you choose, along with an eye-catching, attention-grabbing title for this bio-pic about you either by email to:

dale@dalecurd.com

or, hand-written on anything you choose and sent via regular mail to:

Dale Curd

323 Kingston Road,

Toronto, Ontario

M4L-1T8

All submissions are confidential and I won't publish them or contact you unless you ask me to do so.

journey well

The Battle Of Two Wolves

A Grandfather from the Cherokee Nation was talking with his grandson.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves."

"One wolf is evil and ugly: He is anger, envy, war, greed, self-pity, sorrow, regret, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, selfishness and arrogance."

"The other wolf is beautiful and good: He is friendly, joyful, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, justice, fairness, empathy, generosity, true, compassion, gratitude, and deep VISION."

"This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other human as well."

The grandson paused in deep reflection because of what his grandfather had just said. Then he finally cried out; "Oyee! Grandfather, which wolf will win?"

The elder Cherokee replied, "The wolf that you feed.”

"Which wolf do you feed?"  That is the question I asked a group of good men at a weekend process connected to The Mankind Project.  For most, as it is with most men, they were often choosing to feed the bad wolf - which was leading to endless worry, 'stuck-ness,' stories of being 'not-enough,' deep grief, and un-tapped rage.

The bad wolf is cunning; he knows you intimately as he has stepped each moment of your life right by your side.  He is resourceful; he uses creative strategies he has learned from watching you interact with others in your life for decades.  He is driven; like a drowning man, the bad wolf is fueled by the desperation that comes from fighting for one's life.  

And yet, he has a favourite food - which you keep feeding him - so he grows stronger.

And yet, as strong as he is he has a fatal flaw.  

Do you know what your Bad Wolf's fatal flaw is - do you have the courage to use it in order to save your own life?

  

On Being A Dad - Keynote Address to Dads' Count 09' Conference -June 06, Toronto

Welcome.   I imagine for Brian Russell and Mark McDowell – this is an amazing experience – this moment of seeing you all here – participating in a day that honours and supports Fathers and the important role Fathers have in creating a solid foundation for families.  These men began with a vision, chose to commit to that vision, and had the courage to face any number of obstacles – personal and circumstantial to have this day materialize. 

 

Interestingly all of us in this room share a common experience.  Regardless of our age, cultural backgrounds, race, religions, economic status, even gender – we all were children and the majority of us here today are sons.

 

13 years ago, I was 34, and an angry; very, very angry son – and I was thinking that life had dealt me a really bad deck of cards.  My second wife at the time was pregnant – which we were both happy about – but secretly I was in the middle of a internal struggle – a battle if you will about being a Father. 

 

I remember speaking to a couple of friends about what I was thinking and for the most part the feedback or advice they gave me was either “suck it up,” your life is over – or, “this is just cold feet and you’ll soon find out that children are the greatest gift in life.”  There wasn’t a lot of comfort in either place for me because the demons I was wrestling with were murky, faceless ghosts from the past – these were not so much skeletons in a closet as much as long, dark hallways – which I had never walked down before.

 

At the time and even now, as a man who counsels and mentors men through major life experiences – I knew that I wasn’t alone – yet I was having the experience of being by myself because nobody – no man ever talked about this stuff – at least not openly and rarely seriously.  And while there were literally 100’s of books for women about pregnancy and child rearing – the literature for men was rare.  There was a void of information which I now know is the result of a conditioned male behaviour – most of us rarely talk about what is really going on in our lives.

 

My Dad never told me about this stuff – I know his Dad, my Grandfather never told him – and I can’t imagine that my great Grandfather, Benjamin – was a great source of fathering knowledge for his son either.  The male legacy in my family is one of silence, pain, isolation, abuse, and abandonment.

 

So, here I was – baby on the way – not sure if I was ready, or what ready really meant and, even more deeply not even sure if I really wanted to be a Father.  I saw that I had two choices – I could piece together being a father from various sources – men, who, throughout my life, had showed me what being a dad was all about – or, I could just do the opposite of everything my own Dad had done to me.  I think you see the situation I was in – meager choices indeed.

 

And on top of all of that – I was desperately hoping the baby would be a girl – because having a boy would a huge challenge for me – that much I was sure.

 

Evan was born on May 24, 1997, and on that day my life changed.  I’d like to tell you that there was a chorus of angels singing Hallelujah and that my Fathering epiphany was euphoric – but it wasn’t.  As I held our son for the first time and checked him over for any physical abnormalities – yep, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes, 2 ears, and a penis – great – I had a watershed moment – which felt like a deep sinking sensation in my chest.  I just knew in that moment that I would do everything in my power to protect, nurture and love him.  In an instant, his innocence pierced the defenses I had built up through years of male bonding.  His peaceful nature soothed my restless male doing energy and I knew truly for the first time without a shadow of doubt that I was making a choice.

 

I was choosing to be a Father.

 

I had no clue how to be a Father – my mind told me.  But I knew I would be a Father – I would choose to Father this child.

 

President Barack Obama, in his 2008 Father’s Day address – said it best I think – he offered

 

“We need fathers to realize that responsibility does not end at conception. We need them to realize that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child - it's the courage to raise one.”

 

Fatherhood is about Courage, commitment & having a vision.  Like President Obama shared later in this same address, I too have been an imperfect Father.  There have been times in the last 12 years of Evan’s life, and more recently, with the birth of our daughter Molly – that I have watched myself with disbelief at the things I have said and the things I have done – Like many men, I have to work at being the best Father I can be and a contributing partner in building a solid foundation for our family.

 

I have navigated through the separation and divorce from Evan’s mother, the challenges of single parenting, the balancing of family time with work, new relationships, and financial upheaval, and now most recently the intricacies of creating a harmonious blended family which has blossomed from 3 people 12 years ago to now include – my partner, my ex-wife’s husband, his two children, and our infant daughter. 

 

All the while – my motivation was choosing to be the best Father that I could be in the moment for Evan. 

 

Did this require courage – absolutely – but not of the variety that keeps our homes safe from intruders, or keeps our children safe from bullies.  No, this courage is the type required to walk the dark hallways of the soul – to open the closet doors of my mind despite knowing there’s something or someone waiting behind to confront me.

 

Did fathering require a commitment – absolutely.  And not of the kind that is conditional, fair-weather, or based on the others’ behaviour – those commitments are not commitments at all – they are relative to parenting – easy way outs.  Being a father requires that I commit – that I choose to love my children at the risk of everything else that I may value.

 

Did raising my children require a vision – the answer is again yes.  But not of the type that we hear about in the boardrooms – the 3 year, or 5 year plan.  Fathering requires me to have a vision of who I am and who I aspire to be as a Father – my vision is the foundation from which I choose how to behave each and every moment. 

 

I choose to be the best Father I can be in each moment of my life – not a good Father, not a great Father – but the best that I can be. 

 

My choice to be a Father has me constantly refine and adapt how I am  - For me it’s like a challenge for myself – how can I improve – where can I improve – I’m constantly looking for the areas and aspects of myself where I can increase my performance. 

 

A friend of mine once explained the game of golf to me in this way – he said – “it’s the type of game where you can always have a better game.”

 

I can always be a better Father.  I can always learn how to be a better Father.

 

One of the gifts of co-hosting a weekly radio show is the opportunity to meet some amazing people.  A while ago I met a man who had supported and continues to support his wife and family through her breast cancer – this man was open and vulnerable, he talked with strength about his vision for his family and he displayed a level of courage in his conviction that is compelling.  This is not some superman – this is an average guy – like so many of us sitting here today.  An average guy who had an opportunity to who in the face of a life-changing event – chose a better way for himself.

So as you participate in this day and you make decisions around which seminars and workshops you are going to attend and you share your story with other men in this room and you hear the stories of father like yourself – I ask you to hold these two thoughts in your mind – let them sink in and, as I like to say – let them simmer and percolate in your unconscious – I can always be a better Father – and,…

 

I choose to be a Father.

 

 

Thank you and journey well.

Musings On Being A Man

This month's Esquire magazine features a ream of suggestions for being a man - lots of how to's and must haves.  And while captivating, because I picked it up, I haven't actually read any of the copy.  My inner monologue is telling me that I'm done being told how to be a man, or what would make me a better man.  Not a great place to be in as a counselor who works with men.  What has me closed to Esquire is not the content but the context.  I realize what I am missing and longing for in my life now is the presence of men, much older than myself who I can observe being authentic, rather than a cold, paper magazine and black & white words.

I'm at a place where I can notice my judgements and reactions and choose to either feed them or starve them; I'm also relatively aware of my actions and behaviours and know whether they originate from a loving or fearful place.  I'm also enjoying being with myself as I challenge and grow; especially in the painful and difficult margins of my self where no light has shone for quite some time.  That said, I notice what is missing is the certainty which I see in men who are well into their "Senior" years.  

I see these men embrace their vulnerabilities and fears with grace and I witness them appreciate slow walks, long sits on a bench by the lake, and the reassuring touch of a partner they have known for most of their lives.  It is in their presence that I feel the edge of my youth most sharply.  Like a serrated blade I still seek to penetrate the world with my presence rather than be enfolded by the presence of the world.  I'm still hungry and not sure quite sure what will fill my belly.  

To ache for something that I can witness tangibly yet have no inner sense of is curiously maddening.

Perhaps that is one of the eternal riddles of life and living. 

Here are some other musings:

Dr. Paul Ekman is worth checking out for his work in unraveling the ego's impact on our bodies.

Art Horn is a genius as he discusses the ego's impact on leadership and how to lead without ego

Stuart Knight is my new co-host of GuyTalk on NewsTalk 1010 CFRB - and he is a firecracker!

His Name is Peter, Peter Walker

I saw him for the first time outside of my office, in the lobby; he was shivering.  Minus 25 outside and he had stepped inside to "get warm."  He told me that he couldn't remember where he was supposed to be and he had no idea how he found himself in my lobby.  I asked him if I could help, and he said "no, I just want to get warm and then I'll be on my way."  He kept his word and several minutes later he walked out of the main doors of my office back into the cold night air.  He lingered with me for quite a while - I was unsettled at my core and I couldn't understand why - I felt incomplete - there was something more that was supposed to happen. 

Universal perfection is my mainstay.  So I wasn't much surprised to find the same man standing outside of the gas station, kitty korner to my office almost 45 minutes later.  He was much colder now - his light jacket was no protection against the wind and without a hat, gloves, or a scarf his head was ruby red with icy snot dripping from his nose.  

So I walked over and said hello and again asked if I could help.  It was then that I noticed the hospital bracelets on one of his wrists.  I asked him if he had been in hospital recently - he offered he couldn't remember.  I stalled with mild chit chat as I thought about dialing 911 - after 5 minutes I said - "you know I'm going to make a call and see if I can't find a cop who could help us out."  He looked suspicious, nervous and I thought for a moment that he would walk away.   He stayed, I dialed, we talked,... about a lot of things.  His name is Peter, Peter Walker, he was born March 23, 1937.  He drank at one time in his life.  He'd been to California and like a Steinbeck novel had odd-jobbed his way across the state.  He had a son - but didn't see him much.  He had a wife but also did not see her much.  The more I looked at Peter, the more I noticed.  And after some time I began to have a felt sense that I had seen this man before.  He was more than familiar - I'd been in this man's presence before.  

My grandfather, Edward Townsend died of a brain tumour in England on the same day that our daughter Molly was born here in Toronto.  I hadn't seen Ted's gradual loosening grip on life - my mother, his daughter and my Aunt had been there to see those moments.  All I had and have are the memories of a man I met for the first time when I was 25.  He was full of life, passionate about painting, politics, art history, the gossip of his village and gardening.  He was both an intoxicating mystery and the solid ground of knowing underneath me.  In meeting Ted I could see more of myself and where I came from.  

If I have regrets in my life it is that I never said goodbye to my grandfathers - Ted, and Harry who also died several months later.  My relationship to my grandfathers was spotty and intermittent and virtually non-existent as an adult.  I had miles of distance between us - a cultural divide - and an unspoken message in my family that England and family in England was all about un-finished business.  So, I never bothered to create a bond with either man and that I regret.  I miss them both and I miss the part of myself that they know about me -as they were both a big part of my life when I was an infant prior to us emigrating to Canada.  I don't remember me at 2 or 3, I knew they did.   

Peter Walker is the spitting image of Ted.  The same angular, high cheek-boned face, the same full head of salt & pepper hair, short on the sides and back - lofty on the top.  The same tight lips and piercing eyes - eyes that had seen a lot - seen deeply  - seen through people.  

I asked Peter to come back to my car to get warm.  Once inside I drove him to the nearest Police station and with care handed him over to a young woman, who with grace, welcomed him and told Peter they would get him back home.  I cry as I think about the last 10 seconds, as I walked up to him, looked him in the eyes and shook his hand.  I thanked him and I said goodbye.

Goodbye Peter, goodbye Harry, goodbye Ted.

Melancholy and Mourning and The Sixth Sense

One of the fundamental aspects of being human is that we are constantly in a state of change.  Transition and our response or reaction to change is our greatest teacher.  As I write this from my desk and in between sessions, I'm struck with how many men I help who are stuck in a process of change; meaning they're emotionally suspended as change is happening around them.  Typically I see men who present a variety of problems which are keeping them awake at night and when they do the work to look at what is driving these issues invariably what shows up is the place where they have been emotionally parked - a major life transition - that they just have not processed fully.  This state is melancholy and it comes with a sense of drifting, of a lack of deep engagement with anyone or anything, and most important an emotional palette which is limited or non-existent.  If you look around you can probably identify many guys you know who fit this bill; perhaps even it's you.  When I'm in melancholy, I'm never fully happy, never really excited, never fully in love, never truly ignited by living.  I'm a poltergeist locked in angst desperately trying to get away from where I am and wanting to cling onto anyone who can give me a way out or whose life energy I can suck to make me feel better.

Sounds horrible right?

So what's the answer?

Well, let's look at M. Night Shamalayan's breakthrough movie - Sixth Sense for a clue.    In the film, a young boy is visited by numerous 'ghosts,' who are seeking to end their drifting suffering.  The boy's function is to tell the truth about how these people died setting the record straight, righting any wrongs and thereby bringing closure and releasing the apparitions from their pain.  But he's deeply disturbed by what he sees and wants to escape the realities that visit him.  Bruce Willis, as a 'dead' psychiatrist enters to ease the boy's pain to make life less scary and in doing so, finds his own salvation.  Sixth Sense is about melancholy and the process by which we can exit melancholy which is mourning.  

Our culture has lost the willingness or the stomach to mourn fully and it is killing us.  Mourning, grieving are the processes by which humans naturally move through transition.  Mourning is how we move from attachment to detachment, to re-attachment.  Mourning requires us to tell the truth about what has happened, and feel all the emotions connected to the power of that truth.  Mourning brings us closure to our life's major changes as we move through the defined stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sadness and Acceptance.    Mourning requires us to feel.  Sadly, it seems our culture has lost the enormous value of this process by favouring a "Get On With Life" solutions-oriented approach which places greater importance on action over feeling.  Don't get me wrong.  Action is necessary for moving us forward lest we decide to roll around lost in the muck of our emotions, but action without feeling is empty and ultimately creates more pain and disorder because the pain is never fully healed.

Look around  - Isn't this what is affecting America right now.  Their take action approach to 911 truncated the nation's mourning and mis-directed all of that hurt into adversarial policies which have created alienation, mistrust, and economic woe.  America needs to grieve fully to have a hope of ever becoming a superpower again.