Help! I Need Somebody. GuyExpert Answers The Question

My brother is in a really bad divorce and he’s been so depressed that he has missed work, and missed scheduled pickups for his son – I’m afraid that he will lose access to his son because of his depression – what can I say to him?

SG, Toronto

It’s clear your brother needs some help and I agree with you unless he’s willing to get that help he is in jeopardy of losing so much more in his life.

It’s times like these when men need the most support and guidance to navigate through difficult emotional transitions and yet, most, refuse to ask for it. As a man I’ve been led to believe that I’m supposed to suck it up, or figure it out myself with the underlying message being that my problem is mine alone – meaning no one else has ever experienced what I’m going through. And men collude with each other on this story by pretending not to notice another guy in deep pain or, purposely keeping conversation with that man superficial and light, or by tolerating and accepting self-destructive and sabotaging behaviours from a man who is emotionally hurting.

Men have to collectively understand that this way of being with each other is insanity. What your brother needs more than anything else, (despite how he may protest), is someone to care enough to notice how much pain he is in and to take action. You can’t make him go to a counselor, or a support group but you can be a presence in his life holding him accountable to his responsibilities and commitments and letting him know that he’s a good guy going through a rough time – rather than a failure. Every man goes through challenges in his life – challenge is actually how men grow. Yet, true growth is determined not by how severe the challenges are but by how I face and process those challenges. Some of life’s challenges need to be faced alone because they test a man’s inner strength of character, while other types of adversity need to be experienced in community because these test a man’s comfort with being visibly vulnerable.

The best thing you can say to your brother is, “You’re hurting, that’s okay. I’m here for you and you need to move through this right now because your son needs you in his life.” Anchoring your brother to his son’s needs may be strong enough motivation to have him also help himself.