Most Men Dream About An All Sex Relationship

I’ve been seeing a woman for five years and since the beginning our relationship is really just about sex. The only time she comes over is for sex or when she’s lonely – I want to get out of this but when I’ve tried in the past she has freaked out and become violent and abusive. How do I end it with her?

VM, Calgary

So, what you’re saying is that for a while this arrangement for sex worked for you and now it doesn’t. I often wonder why so many men are surprised when this type of ‘perfect,’ scenario goes wrong. In the beginning everything is all good; you’re getting what you want and according to you, it seems like she’s getting what she wants. Then, wham! Out of nowhere the rules change and sex is simply not enough because someone wants more. I really believe fewer men would be caught in this kind of leg hold trap if they first realized that most women do not have sex for the sake of having sex, especially not with the same guy and definitely not for five years. Second, I think men sell themselves short believing that sex is the one-stop answer for all of their needs. Guys, we have deep emotional needs as well and for many of us sex is the only way we have been trained to get those needs met. As a result, we’re starved for respect, admiration, affection, physical touch and intimacy.

Of course she comes over when she’s lonely! In her mind you are her boyfriend. It’s only in your mind that the relationship is about sex. Wakeup! And, while I don’t accept nor condone physical violence – I can certainly understand that she may be hysterical. The two of you have some growing up to do. Your girlfriend, (because that’s what she is), has to come to terms that her ‘relationship,’ hasn’t been meeting her needs. This is a very hard truth to accept – that I as a person have been feeding myself love crumbs rather than believe that I’m worthy enough to sit down to a full buffet. There are a lot of women out there with this belief in their makeup and a good counselor with experience working with women could help her tremendously.

You also need to put on the big boy pants and take stock of the situation. It’s time to accept and own that you have participated in this sex charade as well. I don’t know how in the past you have tried to end it with her but, I would strongly suggest you take the lead here and book the two of you into a couple’s counselor who can facilitate the process of ending this tryst respectfully. Then I would suggest going to a bookstore and picking up David Deida’s “The Way Of The Superior Man,” - it’s time to slap some reality aftershave on that face of yours.