Welcome. I imagine for Brian Russell and Mark McDowell – this is an amazing experience – this moment of seeing you all here – participating in a day that honours and supports Fathers and the important role Fathers have in creating a solid foundation for families. These men began with a vision, chose to commit to that vision, and had the courage to face any number of obstacles – personal and circumstantial to have this day materialize.
Interestingly all of us in this room share a common experience. Regardless of our age, cultural backgrounds, race, religions, economic status, even gender – we all were children and the majority of us here today are sons.
13 years ago, I was 34, and an angry; very, very angry son – and I was thinking that life had dealt me a really bad deck of cards. My second wife at the time was pregnant – which we were both happy about – but secretly I was in the middle of a internal struggle – a battle if you will about being a Father.
I remember speaking to a couple of friends about what I was thinking and for the most part the feedback or advice they gave me was either “suck it up,” your life is over – or, “this is just cold feet and you’ll soon find out that children are the greatest gift in life.” There wasn’t a lot of comfort in either place for me because the demons I was wrestling with were murky, faceless ghosts from the past – these were not so much skeletons in a closet as much as long, dark hallways – which I had never walked down before.
At the time and even now, as a man who counsels and mentors men through major life experiences – I knew that I wasn’t alone – yet I was having the experience of being by myself because nobody – no man ever talked about this stuff – at least not openly and rarely seriously. And while there were literally 100’s of books for women about pregnancy and child rearing – the literature for men was rare. There was a void of information which I now know is the result of a conditioned male behaviour – most of us rarely talk about what is really going on in our lives.
My Dad never told me about this stuff – I know his Dad, my Grandfather never told him – and I can’t imagine that my great Grandfather, Benjamin – was a great source of fathering knowledge for his son either. The male legacy in my family is one of silence, pain, isolation, abuse, and abandonment.
So, here I was – baby on the way – not sure if I was ready, or what ready really meant and, even more deeply not even sure if I really wanted to be a Father. I saw that I had two choices – I could piece together being a father from various sources – men, who, throughout my life, had showed me what being a dad was all about – or, I could just do the opposite of everything my own Dad had done to me. I think you see the situation I was in – meager choices indeed.
And on top of all of that – I was desperately hoping the baby would be a girl – because having a boy would a huge challenge for me – that much I was sure.
Evan was born on May 24, 1997, and on that day my life changed. I’d like to tell you that there was a chorus of angels singing Hallelujah and that my Fathering epiphany was euphoric – but it wasn’t. As I held our son for the first time and checked him over for any physical abnormalities – yep, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes, 2 ears, and a penis – great – I had a watershed moment – which felt like a deep sinking sensation in my chest. I just knew in that moment that I would do everything in my power to protect, nurture and love him. In an instant, his innocence pierced the defenses I had built up through years of male bonding. His peaceful nature soothed my restless male doing energy and I knew truly for the first time without a shadow of doubt that I was making a choice.
I was choosing to be a Father.
I had no clue how to be a Father – my mind told me. But I knew I would be a Father – I would choose to Father this child.
President Barack Obama, in his 2008 Father’s Day address – said it best I think – he offered
“We need fathers to realize that responsibility does not end at conception. We need them to realize that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child - it's the courage to raise one.”
Fatherhood is about Courage, commitment & having a vision. Like President Obama shared later in this same address, I too have been an imperfect Father. There have been times in the last 12 years of Evan’s life, and more recently, with the birth of our daughter Molly – that I have watched myself with disbelief at the things I have said and the things I have done – Like many men, I have to work at being the best Father I can be and a contributing partner in building a solid foundation for our family.
I have navigated through the separation and divorce from Evan’s mother, the challenges of single parenting, the balancing of family time with work, new relationships, and financial upheaval, and now most recently the intricacies of creating a harmonious blended family which has blossomed from 3 people 12 years ago to now include – my partner, my ex-wife’s husband, his two children, and our infant daughter.
All the while – my motivation was choosing to be the best Father that I could be in the moment for Evan.
Did this require courage – absolutely – but not of the variety that keeps our homes safe from intruders, or keeps our children safe from bullies. No, this courage is the type required to walk the dark hallways of the soul – to open the closet doors of my mind despite knowing there’s something or someone waiting behind to confront me.
Did fathering require a commitment – absolutely. And not of the kind that is conditional, fair-weather, or based on the others’ behaviour – those commitments are not commitments at all – they are relative to parenting – easy way outs. Being a father requires that I commit – that I choose to love my children at the risk of everything else that I may value.
Did raising my children require a vision – the answer is again yes. But not of the type that we hear about in the boardrooms – the 3 year, or 5 year plan. Fathering requires me to have a vision of who I am and who I aspire to be as a Father – my vision is the foundation from which I choose how to behave each and every moment.
I choose to be the best Father I can be in each moment of my life – not a good Father, not a great Father – but the best that I can be.
My choice to be a Father has me constantly refine and adapt how I am - For me it’s like a challenge for myself – how can I improve – where can I improve – I’m constantly looking for the areas and aspects of myself where I can increase my performance.
A friend of mine once explained the game of golf to me in this way – he said – “it’s the type of game where you can always have a better game.”
I can always be a better Father. I can always learn how to be a better Father.
One of the gifts of co-hosting a weekly radio show is the opportunity to meet some amazing people. A while ago I met a man who had supported and continues to support his wife and family through her breast cancer – this man was open and vulnerable, he talked with strength about his vision for his family and he displayed a level of courage in his conviction that is compelling. This is not some superman – this is an average guy – like so many of us sitting here today. An average guy who had an opportunity to who in the face of a life-changing event – chose a better way for himself.
So as you participate in this day and you make decisions around which seminars and workshops you are going to attend and you share your story with other men in this room and you hear the stories of father like yourself – I ask you to hold these two thoughts in your mind – let them sink in and, as I like to say – let them simmer and percolate in your unconscious – I can always be a better Father – and,…
I choose to be a Father.
Thank you and journey well.
go out on a limb here perhaps the beginnings of a new Mens' movement. To date, the Movember men have raised more than $51 Million for Prostate Cancer - and this year is lining up to be their best year yet.
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