Help! I Need Somebody. GuyExpert Answers The Question

My brother is in a really bad divorce and he’s been so depressed that he has missed work, and missed scheduled pickups for his son – I’m afraid that he will lose access to his son because of his depression – what can I say to him?

SG, Toronto

It’s clear your brother needs some help and I agree with you unless he’s willing to get that help he is in jeopardy of losing so much more in his life.

It’s times like these when men need the most support and guidance to navigate through difficult emotional transitions and yet, most, refuse to ask for it. As a man I’ve been led to believe that I’m supposed to suck it up, or figure it out myself with the underlying message being that my problem is mine alone – meaning no one else has ever experienced what I’m going through. And men collude with each other on this story by pretending not to notice another guy in deep pain or, purposely keeping conversation with that man superficial and light, or by tolerating and accepting self-destructive and sabotaging behaviours from a man who is emotionally hurting.

Men have to collectively understand that this way of being with each other is insanity. What your brother needs more than anything else, (despite how he may protest), is someone to care enough to notice how much pain he is in and to take action. You can’t make him go to a counselor, or a support group but you can be a presence in his life holding him accountable to his responsibilities and commitments and letting him know that he’s a good guy going through a rough time – rather than a failure. Every man goes through challenges in his life – challenge is actually how men grow. Yet, true growth is determined not by how severe the challenges are but by how I face and process those challenges. Some of life’s challenges need to be faced alone because they test a man’s inner strength of character, while other types of adversity need to be experienced in community because these test a man’s comfort with being visibly vulnerable.

The best thing you can say to your brother is, “You’re hurting, that’s okay. I’m here for you and you need to move through this right now because your son needs you in his life.” Anchoring your brother to his son’s needs may be strong enough motivation to have him also help himself.

Most Men Dream About An All Sex Relationship

I’ve been seeing a woman for five years and since the beginning our relationship is really just about sex. The only time she comes over is for sex or when she’s lonely – I want to get out of this but when I’ve tried in the past she has freaked out and become violent and abusive. How do I end it with her?

VM, Calgary

So, what you’re saying is that for a while this arrangement for sex worked for you and now it doesn’t. I often wonder why so many men are surprised when this type of ‘perfect,’ scenario goes wrong. In the beginning everything is all good; you’re getting what you want and according to you, it seems like she’s getting what she wants. Then, wham! Out of nowhere the rules change and sex is simply not enough because someone wants more. I really believe fewer men would be caught in this kind of leg hold trap if they first realized that most women do not have sex for the sake of having sex, especially not with the same guy and definitely not for five years. Second, I think men sell themselves short believing that sex is the one-stop answer for all of their needs. Guys, we have deep emotional needs as well and for many of us sex is the only way we have been trained to get those needs met. As a result, we’re starved for respect, admiration, affection, physical touch and intimacy.

Of course she comes over when she’s lonely! In her mind you are her boyfriend. It’s only in your mind that the relationship is about sex. Wakeup! And, while I don’t accept nor condone physical violence – I can certainly understand that she may be hysterical. The two of you have some growing up to do. Your girlfriend, (because that’s what she is), has to come to terms that her ‘relationship,’ hasn’t been meeting her needs. This is a very hard truth to accept – that I as a person have been feeding myself love crumbs rather than believe that I’m worthy enough to sit down to a full buffet. There are a lot of women out there with this belief in their makeup and a good counselor with experience working with women could help her tremendously.

You also need to put on the big boy pants and take stock of the situation. It’s time to accept and own that you have participated in this sex charade as well. I don’t know how in the past you have tried to end it with her but, I would strongly suggest you take the lead here and book the two of you into a couple’s counselor who can facilitate the process of ending this tryst respectfully. Then I would suggest going to a bookstore and picking up David Deida’s “The Way Of The Superior Man,” - it’s time to slap some reality aftershave on that face of yours.

He's 28, She Just Turned 18, Is It Normal?

" My son who is 28 is dating a girl who just turned 18, and I want to know if this is normal. I think she is too young for him and I’m concerned that he may be seeing her just for sex." J.W. Ottawa,

A lot of guys would believe that your son has hit the proverbial jackpot. And if your son and his girlfriend were ten, or even twenty years older the age difference between them would likely be irrelevant. It’s a truism that as men and women age the gaps in terms of life experience become less pronounced such that by the time we’re in our senior years five, even ten years in age spread becomes meaningless.

However, in our teens and early twenties significant growth and life experience takes place and even a relatively small amount of years between two people is quite substantial. A man in his late twenties is in a completely different phase of his life than a woman in her late teens. And while, physically and sexually there may be few differences between the two, mentally and emotionally there are major life moments separating the couple. A man in his late twenties likely has experienced one or two serious, monogamous relationships and at least one heart-smashing breakup. He has also likely made the transition from dependency to independency, (though recent studies suggest this is not so), and, by now, he is beginning to know who he is and what he wants out of his life.

So, is it normal? Increasingly yes. There are many new relationships that have this dynamic of older man, younger woman, primarily because men are not maturing emotionally at the same pace as they were even one generation ago. Women meanwhile are maturing at a faster pace than previously creating a fertile ground for this type of relationship to develop. Meaning, if you are right J.W., and your son is seeing this young woman just for sex; I suspect she is aware of this and at some level has agreed that that is what their relationship is all about. That is unless he is a master manipulator and is pretending to be a committed boyfriend just for the sex. If the relationship is on the up and up, they will act and behave like a couple especially to their friends, family and in public. If this is a sexual relationship for your son then his behaviour will be all about keeping his young girlfriend a secret. In life, you have to trust what people do as the truest indicator of what they really believe and feel.

Is Her Boyfriend Cheap? GuyExpert Answers The Question

Dale,

Here’s my issue, I think I have a cheap, or maybe even shallow boyfriend. In October 2008, our first Christmas, I got him a pair of sunglasses ($200) among other things, and he got me a synthetic necklace and pendant that I cannot wear due to nickel/metal allergies. His birthday, I got him a pair of gold earrings ($100) and for my birthday, he got me bath products. Christmas 2009, I got him a bottle of cologne ($100) and an official Olympic Sweater ($60). He got me more bath supplies, (which is virtually useless since I shower, I don’t take baths). Yesterday was my birthday and he got me a synthetic necklace and pendant with a CZ crystal - which I cannot wear. I’ve spent good time, money getting what I feel are “perfect” gifts for him, and I just don’t feel that I am getting the same treatment in return. I don’t want to bring it up to him in fear that I may hurt his feelings but moreover I don’t want to come off as shallow - but is he cheap or am I just shallow?

B.C., Vancouver

Your boyfriend may be cheap and/or shallow, and you may be shallow, to use your words. It’s hard to determine from one note. Interesting though that you’re keeping a balance sheet on the gift giving, which I’ll come to in a moment. So in order to determine whether your boyfriend is a serial cheapskate we have to look at how and what he gives other people who are also close to him, and how he spends on himself. Let me ask you a question; how is your boyfriend when it comes to gifts for others, like family and friends and how is he when it comes to spending money on himself? Gifts are one of the five love languages by which people express, give and receive love, (the others are quality time, acts of service, words of acknowledgment, non-sexual physical touch), so they’re pretty important. If you’re man is consistently low-end gifting it’s possible that gifts are not important to him and are not one of his preferred ways of expressing love. If this is true it means that likely he is expressing love in a way that you are not tuned into. Guys are great lovers and will shower love on someone they are in love with which means if you’re not feeling love-showered, (of any kind), it’s your first clue that your man is pulling his presence out of the relationship

Back to the gift balance sheet its clear gifts are important to you. They may even be your primary love language. And keeping a running tab with your boyfriend regularly coming up on the debit side of the account is going to have you build up some resentment. So that happens here is something you can say:

"Look, (insert name), gifts are really big deals to me. If you want me to feel loved by you then I want you to make them special and I want you to put more thought, time, energy and expense into celebrating me. I feel loved when you buy me great gifts." Say this directly without apology, comparison, or argument and he'll get the point. And if he chooses to ignore what you have said directly to him, well then you have the answer to a bigger question.

He Has A Blowout With His Daughter - Anger Understood

Hey GuyExpert,

I just had a blowout with my 17-year-old daughter. While I didn’t hit her, in a rage I did grab her wrists and shove her up against a wall. She is now afraid of me and my wife is threatening our 20-year marriage ending if I don’t get help for my ‘anger issue.’ My daughter provoked me and outside of this event, I’ve never done this before so I don’t think I have an issue – what do you think? O.S. Ottawa

Well, I think there’s something brewing inside of you and given the right strike point, provocation or trigger there’s a greater likelihood that you will use physical force to make your point. Read and re-read my first sentence O.S., because how you read it will determine whether you believe you have an issue with anger. I believe that once a person learns the most effective method for them to be heard, seen, or get their own way they will tend to use that way with greater frequency. It seems as though your method is becoming physical force.

Men have lots of confusing messages about anger with some using anger to empower their fear, blanket their sadness, or assert control in chaotic areas of their life. Still, many other men choke or swallow back any sign of their anger preferring to have it leak out in a multitude of numbing, self-sabotaging or avoidance behaviours. In all, I believe anger is getting a bad rap and taking the blame for what is really a lack of understanding, experience, and choice for most men. You see O.S., anger is not the problem – how you express anger is. Most men have never mastered a relationship to their own anger and so they are reactively angry rather than choosing to express anger responsibly. Responsible anger has a man be seen and heard, while reactive anger disconnects him from the world.

In my Anger Inc ^TM, workshop O.S., men learn all about their anger; it’s roots, the early physical warning signs, their ‘triggers’ and ‘buttons’, and several, highly-effective tactics for expressing anger responsibly. In my life learning how to be responsibly angry is a discipline that has helped me transform from a wounded, violent young man to a middle-aged man whose anger is expressed responsibly, when appropriate. Two important women in your life O.S. are telling you they’re scared and on the edge – are you man enough to hear them and shine a floodlight on this blind spot in your life, or will you ignore them and let this volcano simmer? I suspect that because you’ve taken the step of writing to me that you’re somewhat curious they might be right. Follow your impulse with courage O.S., and you will learn what anger is really all about.

Is His Porn Habit The Real Issue? You Decide.

My son was fired from his job for watching pornography on his work computer. He says that at his age, (26), pornography is everywhere and everyone does it and it’s not a big deal. In my day I had a private stash of Playboys and Penthouses – so, I’m not sure what the right message is to give him anymore – keep it personal, or go with the flow.

P.A. Ottawa

Sure this is a confusing time when it comes to some of our social morals and values but the real issue here is not pornography it’s boundaries. I make no judgement when it comes to porn primarily because I know of people and couples where it works for them and some where it clearly does not. I will say that a person’s porn preferences say a lot about how they see themselves because what they find attractive is an outward projection and reflection of their inner self. Watching porn can be healthy I believe as long as it is not sabotaging my emotional health or sacrificing intimacy with others close to me. If you suspect that this latter statement is true for your son then perhaps his relationship to porn needs attention.

But, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t believe porn is big the issue here. Your son’s un-willingness to curb his porn habit during work is really about boundaries. His behaviour is out of context with his environment and what is expected of him in that environment. Forming healthy boundaries is an essential life skill of an emotionally mature adult. Boundaries help us self-regulate our actions and affirm our unique human ability to choose how we behave. Without boundaries we would all be walking and talking reactions and chaos would ensue.

Contrary to what your son believes, getting caught with porn at the workplace is a big deal. Many companies take watching porn at work quite seriously and I believe they should. I go to work to work and if I am going to work to do anything other than work, then perhaps that’s a big sign that the job isn’t working for me. As men we need to stop the kind of thinking that says boredom is a necessary evil of working. Work is important. Our economy is constipated with the collective impact of too many men, and women, un-inspired and therefore distracted in their jobs. If more guys understood that their work is an extension of their purpose I think we would see fewer and fewer men like your son using company resources to entertain themselves.

The conversation to have with your son is about his work ethic not his porn consumption. Before you have that chat make sure you do a little personal inventory. As a man, what have you taught this young man about work?

Naked Lunch Anyone?

I just caught today's Globe article entitled "Naked Lunch," after a friend called to alert me to the piece. I find it curious, our fascination and repulsion around nudity. I think it's dangerous and, much like our conditioned preference towards packaged meat products, we'll soon find ourselves totally removed from a physical connection with our humanity. So fickle is our trained aesthetic that we can only tolerate to look at naked babies and 'perfect' youths. Not only are we the only species who drinks another species milk; we are also the only species who holds shame about our physical appearance.

To paraphrase Dan Savage from a column a while ago, (in which a reader complained about the mess and smell of anal sex), "sex smells." Add to that people smell and our bodies are hysterical works of physical art in which their beauty truly lies in the eyes of the beholder. And speaking of our eyes - they are so enslaved to our egos that they merely observe and report rather than distinguish what they see. It is our egos which place us above, below or against another person - it is our egos which see another body as attractive, repulsive, out of context, offensive, or alluring. It is our egos which project their jumbled, fragmented stories outward and make us see another naked individual as a moral confrontation.

If you want to understand the human body, yours, for what it truly is - spend some time naked in front of others of your gender. Nakedness is the great evener - in nakedness we are truly equal - which is why we come into this world naked and some of us exit our world naked.