"If You're Looking For Sympathy,..."

it's between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."

Wise words passed on from father to son which the latter shared with me a while back.  I've heard a few nuggets like this "suck it up, buttercup", "why don't you go back to your mommy, little boy", many, like these ones are offered as an antidote to a perceived emotional disease. 

Apparently that disease is contagious if unchecked or corrected.  It's certainly uncomfortable to be with which is why men, and women, fathers, and mothers, are so quick to make sure boys, and girls do not 'wallow in their misery."  What good could possibly come from steeping in a feeling, right?  Most of us never know the answer to that question because our social messaging tells us to stay away from feeling deeply the same way it tells us not to open the closet door in a horror movie.  You just don't know what's in there and whether you'll make it out alive if you open that damn door.

Sometimes these wise words are offered as a kind of tool to help someone fix what is obviously broken.  Ideally a tool is designed to make a job easier, more efficient and effective.  In so many ways these types of words are like throwing a bucket to someone who is drowning. 

And so a thought becomes a story which after time becomes a belief - parent to child.  Bell Hooks, alludes to this in her book "Men, Masculinity and The Will To Change".  In her view this code of emotional silence is a pervasive component of patriarchy that both fathers and mothers buy into and promote so little boys grow into strong men and little girls grow into strong women.  Hooks targets patriarchy as the culprit - for me, I think the origin is more primal.

A good friend John Giffen is involved in an incredibly brave organization which aims to counter this social evolution with a pivotal, mentoring process for teenage boys (ages 13 - 17).  Boys To Men,(btmcanada.org) runs a process called a Rights Of Passage Adventure Weekend and there's a weekend coming up in Vermont in August, which, those of you who know some young men who are searching for some answers and guidance, I would encourage you to check it out and spread the word.

Sometimes a guy's deepest fear about coming to a mens' group is that he is going to encounter a bunch of "wimps sobbing and crying in their laps."  What I say to those guys is that my experience of mens' group is that every guy has the opportunity to feel anything and everything he feels fully.  That last word is the key.  Fully.  No limits.

It's the one place a guy "can get it all out."  It's the one place where a guy may not only receive useful tools and maybe sympathy, but more importantly empathy.

Our next 20 week session of mens group begins on Tuesday, August 9th, 2011, at 7 p.m., and we will continue every Tuesday evening until December 20th, 2011.  Give me a call If you're interested in joining us and please send this to a guy who you believe would benefit from the experience.

The Power Of A Story

I love stories.

It doesn't have to be a good story to capture my attention and engage me. Any story which has me see a part of myself is a story worth reading or listening to in my books. As you can imagine I hear a lot of different stories. Every day I'm blessed to have the opportunity to listen to many different people and their stories. The experience is enlightening - I think people would enjoy their lives more if they spent more time listening to other peoples stories.

And not because I could listen to a person's story and feel happy, or think that I'm somehow different or better -precisely the opposite; anothers story is a doorway into my own story.

There are a lot of men and stories out there. There are soldiers returning from war, there are police officers, firefighters, paramedics wounded from front line experiences, there are husbands going through separation, fathers missing their children, executives burning out on the job, sons burying parents, and many guys who wake up every day hoping they were somewhere or someone else.

A guy came to see me the other day and spent the better part of his time trying to convince me that he was broken. "Look," he said, "here are all of the the things I've done and had done to me which prove that I'm broken. Why won't you believe me?" "Can you fix me?" he asked.

"No," I replied, "I can't fix you because you're not broken. I can help you but I won't be able to fix you"

I'm not sure if he'll come back - by the look on his face I'm not sure he believed me.

For me, men are not broken, or bad, and we don't need fixing. We are however able to be:

Disconnected, from people we love, our work and our bodies

Controlling, of our relationships, our feelings, our behaviour, and our image as perceived by others

Afraid, to be honest, to trust friends or family, to be perceived as weak or incapable, to 'get it wrong'

Confused, by how to talk about what is happening to us in ways others can understand, relate and connect to

Alone, in what we believe, understand, and feel.


I remember believing I was broken and experiencing feedback from people around me who told me I needed to be fixed. Being broken never felt quite right to me because I knew that deep inside I was no different than anyone else and rationally speaking, we couldn't all be broken right?

There's a new session of Mens' Group beginning on Tuesday, August 9th, and it will run weekly, every Tuesday until December 20th. In Men's Group we bring together good men and in twenty weeks we give them tools and experiences to experience that inside feeling; the one that knows they are great.

Call me if you're interested in joining us, or if you would like to know more about Group -and, please tell a friend who you know carries a thought that he is broken. You will be changing his life.

journey well,

Awakening - What It Means To Know You Are Waking Up

This is an excerpt of a reading which a client recently forwarded to me - keep this with you

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - Enough! Enough fighting and crying or
struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You
realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that your partner, if you have one,
isn't perfect. In the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you; and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are.... that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you
really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with; and in the process you learn to go
with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learn to say NO. Then you learn about love, romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away.

You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more attractive, more intelligent, more lovable or more important because of the partner by your side or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect; and you won't settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with loving caresses...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself; and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever, settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand. You take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want

to live as best you can. Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see.

This is your awakening....enjoy life!

Stifling What We Feel

A simple scenario really. One that I'm sure you know as well.

Man comes into a restaurant with his female partner and orders himself a glass of fresh squeezed cherry juice. By the look on his face and his body language, (rubbing his hands together with great zeal), he's really looking forward to sipping this just squeezed goodness. Suddenly, his partner picks up the glass and with it lightly touching her lips, says, "May I? I don't have any diseases." " Go ahead he replies, your diseases are my diseases." What he doesn't say is loudly communicated with his body: his eyes are wide with surprise, his nose is turned up in disgust and contempt; his body is rigid, shoulders back, hands clenched on the table; and his head is thrown back quickly taking in the ceiling, and then there's the sharp inhale before he speaks his words.

So much felt, so much not said. A few seconds in a life.

What prevents this man from sharing in the moment what he is genuinely feeling with his companion? What are the thoughts and beliefs and conditioned behaviours which have him stifle all of this rich communication from his partner? How could she ever know, or trust the truth about him?

I don't know - I can only speculate and empathize based on my own life. My awareness of myself I've gained from sitting in many groups of inspiring men who were also attempting to understand more about themselves. The Men's Program is the group lab in which a man's most important social learning happens. Through honest interactions with others like himself every man gains an inarguable body of knowledge about himself. This isn't the type of knowledge that is self-serving naval gazing - it's the information which changes a man's life forever replacing confusion with clarity and emotional impaction with free flowing honesty.

On Tuesday Feb. 1st, 2011, The Men's Program is opening up our circle to invite men who have never experienced a group and those who are Men's Program alumni to join us for an evening. Group begins at 7 p.m., please be sure to arrive by 6:45 p.m. Our location is 323 Kingston Road, lower level. There is ample parking on Kingston Road and on the surrounding streets.

Hey All You Sellecks, Chaplins, Fu-Manchus, & Handlebar Hanks

Movember, the World’s Largest Funder of Prostate Cancer Research, is Now Open for Registration for its 4th Canadian Campaign

Movember kicks off its 4th annual campaign in Canada today, challenging men across the country to show their support by growing a Mo (slang for moustache) this November. To help support Prostate Cancer Awareness Week (September 19-25), today, men and women across the country can raise funds and awareness for Prostate Cancer Canada by registering at www.Movember.com. Prostate cancer is the most common cancer affecting Canadian men; during his lifetime, 1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with the disease, and this number is expected to rise to 1 in 4 within a decade.

Rates of prostate cancer in men are comparable to breast cancer rates in women, with a man being diagnosed with the disease every 2.7 minutes. According to recent findings, men are 40 per cent more likely than women to die from cancer due to the simple act of putting off doctor visits and failing to lead a proactively healthy lifestyle.

Movember, the month formerly known as November, aims to change these statistics by creating a global focus on cancers affecting men. Each Movember, men are challenged to start the month clean-shaven and grow a moustache. The moustache becomes the hairy ribbon for men’s health and the guys growing them become a walking billboard for 30 days. The growth of a new moustache sparks hundreds of conversations about the seemingly taboo topics of men’s health and prostate cancer.

Movember began in 2003 over a few beers in Melbourne, Australia. The guys behind it joked about 80s fashion and decided it was time to bring back the moustache. In order to justify their “Mo” (Aussie slang for moustache), they used their new looks to raise some awareness and money for prostate cancer research... never dreaming their efforts would lead to a global movement for men’s health. To date, more than 627,000 Movember “Mos” have been grown to raise over $100 million to change the face of men’s health.

“Its hard to believe what began as a bit of a joke has turned into a global movement for men’s health. It’s humbling to see so many men and women passionately support this cause,” said Adam Garone, CEO and Co-Founder of Movember. “These days you can’t grow a moustache without people asking what’s going on, and that leads to amazing conversations about cancers that affect men.”

This November will mark the 4th Movember campaign in the Canada, which will continue to raise funds for Prostate Cancer Canada (PCC). In 2009, 35,958 Mo Bros and Sistas used the power of the Mo to raise almost $8 million for the PCC.

“For Prostate Cancer Canada moustaches have made all the difference. Thanks to the funds raised by Movember we are now in a much better position to focus on the elimination of this disease through research, education, support and awareness – and to better support those currently afflicted,” said Steve Jones, CEO and President, Prostate Cancer Canada, ”1 in 6 Canadian men will be affected by this disease in their lifetime, it is our job to ensure that they know the facts and have they support they need.”

Participation in Movember is not only fun, but simple. Starting today, men and women can register to join the campaign at www.Movember.com. Whether on their own or as part of a team, they have the month of November to grow and show their “Mo”. Friends, family, and colleagues can show their support by sponsoring the Mo-growing efforts and donating funds to support the PCC. Women who register to join the campaign act as ambassadors for the “Mo,” spreading the word and showing their support for the men in their life. Participants celebrate their “Mo” at the end of November, attending Movember’s official Gala Partés or hosting their own local event. The campaign is largely run online, making it a unique digital charity campaign.

Why all the moustaches? It’s time men and women understand the facts:

• 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime. 1 in 3 women will be diagnosed.

• 1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer in their lifetime. One new case occurs every 2.7 minutes and a man dies from prostate cancer every 19 minutes.

• Rates of prostate cancer in men are comparable to rates of breast cancer in women.

• The World Health Organization projects that in 2010, cancer will become the leading cause of death globally, surpassing heart disease and stroke.

Movember’s 2010 Canadian major partners include Canadian Club, Mercedes-Benz Canada, and Schick.

Movember is the world’s largest charity event raising funds for cancer affecting men- specifically prostate cancer. Each November, Movember invites men across the globe to grow moustaches (or “Mos”) while raising funds and awareness for men’s health. Movember aims to forever change the face of men’s health, by raising awareness and funds that will reduce the number of preventable male deaths by cancer. For more information please visit www.movember.com

Smelly Feet and The Men Who Own Them

My boyfriend’s feet are gross. His toenails are long and dirty and his feet smell. I ask him to take better care of himself but he gets angry and tells me to let him be a man – is this true? Are men really like this?

H.M. Calgary

Yes, some men are like this and while they may pretend or even protest that their shoddy physical appearance is okay and perhaps more manly – they know the real truth they just don’t care. It’s not important to them and that is why they pay little attention to the issue. Remember, nothing gets in between a man and something or someone he wants. So if a guy has a blind spot in his personality or appearance it’s because he has taken his focus off of it. I’ve worked with many guys who pay great attention to their personal appearance and very little to other aspects of their lives. I’ve also met men who have success, great relationships, even their health and yet, their toenails are claws or they have fur growing out of their nose and ears.

Any guy who tells you that walking around like a Wookie makes him manlier is hoping you buy his weak excuse for a lack of focus and leave him alone. By shining a light on your boyfriend’s toes you are effectively telling him in his mind that he has a flaw. Generally men are not so good at hearing that they have flaws because many of us are doing our best to be flawless hence in vulnerable. So the best defense against being weak is to come up with a story that said behaviour is in fact manlier. It’s a pretty thin defense if you ask me and one which makes the man appear frail in character. I wish more guys would stand in the heat of the spotlight more often because they would learn something key about relationships with women. Women like to leave a man better than when they found him. So a woman who takes the time to lovingly suggest ways in which a guy can transform himself is actually grooming that man to be his best. Deep down no woman wants to be in a relationship with a man she can’t show off. So she spends a lot of her relationship focus nudging him to change. As a rule, when men get together we tend to pay less attention to how another guy looks or smells rather, we measure a guy by his commitment to values like honesty, trust, accountability, courage and kindness.

Your boyfriend is feeding you a line about his toes and in the process is proving that he is still a boy at heart. So, I guess you have a choice. Put up with it or, make it a deal-breaker. How the two of you deal with this though will set the tone for how you both navigate the difficult issues and problems that true intimacy will bring.

He Who Never Gets Angry - GuyExpert Answers

I never get angry. I’ve been married for 20 years and my wife and I have never had an argument and I’ve never raised my voice to her. My friends tell me that I’m not normal – is this true?

B.G. Montreal

Well you’re not abnormal, rare perhaps, but not abnormal. I’ve probably worked with hundreds of men and I’ve met many who tell me they don’t get angry and I’ve only met one I believed. Out of the many who tell me they don’t get angry what they’ve discovered is that they weren’t allowing themselves to express anger because of either strongly held internal beliefs or, out of a reaction to a traumatic, childhood experience with anger. In my Anger Inc. ^TM workshops some of those men had their anger stifled as children by a parent or guardian while others discover they self-limit being angry as a reaction to witnessing someone being destructive and violent while angry.

Anger is a normal feeling that we are all hard-wired to feel and express. It is our most powerful feeling and the one that helps us identify when a personal boundary has been crossed or when we have a strong want or need, or most often, when we are in a perceived threat or state of powerlessness. Anger is the quickest route from powerlessness to a state of empowerment. Most of us are going to experience all of these types of anger triggers through the course of being in relationships with others. In fact, relationships by design are perfect hotbeds of triggers for anger as the individuals work through their intimacy blocks to form a tight, cohesive deep union. And if relationships are ripe with triggers, by extension so is life; reality is by definition ‘real.’ This means it’s not easy or smooth rather it’s bumpy and difficult. This is my primary reason for creating Anger Inc. ^TM, to help men learn healthy ways of coping with real life.

I wont’ comment on your marriage except to offer you that I’ve worked with couples who have told me they have never fought and those relationships are perfect on the surface. Just below that veneer is a minefield of experiences, history, and unspoken comments that each person has made a commitment to not expose. It’s like they’ve agreed to be best friends and roommates but not an intimately bonded couple. The interesting aspect of these relationships is that they while they lack conflict they are also empty of deep passion. Trading off conflict for passion may seem obvious in the beginning over the long term however, I think it’s a deal with the devil. Personally, I’d rather have a real, conflict-ridden, passionate, deeply loving relationship than one where “we get along great with each other.” That’s me, what is it you really want?

Help! I Need Somebody. GuyExpert Answers The Question

My brother is in a really bad divorce and he’s been so depressed that he has missed work, and missed scheduled pickups for his son – I’m afraid that he will lose access to his son because of his depression – what can I say to him?

SG, Toronto

It’s clear your brother needs some help and I agree with you unless he’s willing to get that help he is in jeopardy of losing so much more in his life.

It’s times like these when men need the most support and guidance to navigate through difficult emotional transitions and yet, most, refuse to ask for it. As a man I’ve been led to believe that I’m supposed to suck it up, or figure it out myself with the underlying message being that my problem is mine alone – meaning no one else has ever experienced what I’m going through. And men collude with each other on this story by pretending not to notice another guy in deep pain or, purposely keeping conversation with that man superficial and light, or by tolerating and accepting self-destructive and sabotaging behaviours from a man who is emotionally hurting.

Men have to collectively understand that this way of being with each other is insanity. What your brother needs more than anything else, (despite how he may protest), is someone to care enough to notice how much pain he is in and to take action. You can’t make him go to a counselor, or a support group but you can be a presence in his life holding him accountable to his responsibilities and commitments and letting him know that he’s a good guy going through a rough time – rather than a failure. Every man goes through challenges in his life – challenge is actually how men grow. Yet, true growth is determined not by how severe the challenges are but by how I face and process those challenges. Some of life’s challenges need to be faced alone because they test a man’s inner strength of character, while other types of adversity need to be experienced in community because these test a man’s comfort with being visibly vulnerable.

The best thing you can say to your brother is, “You’re hurting, that’s okay. I’m here for you and you need to move through this right now because your son needs you in his life.” Anchoring your brother to his son’s needs may be strong enough motivation to have him also help himself.

Most Men Dream About An All Sex Relationship

I’ve been seeing a woman for five years and since the beginning our relationship is really just about sex. The only time she comes over is for sex or when she’s lonely – I want to get out of this but when I’ve tried in the past she has freaked out and become violent and abusive. How do I end it with her?

VM, Calgary

So, what you’re saying is that for a while this arrangement for sex worked for you and now it doesn’t. I often wonder why so many men are surprised when this type of ‘perfect,’ scenario goes wrong. In the beginning everything is all good; you’re getting what you want and according to you, it seems like she’s getting what she wants. Then, wham! Out of nowhere the rules change and sex is simply not enough because someone wants more. I really believe fewer men would be caught in this kind of leg hold trap if they first realized that most women do not have sex for the sake of having sex, especially not with the same guy and definitely not for five years. Second, I think men sell themselves short believing that sex is the one-stop answer for all of their needs. Guys, we have deep emotional needs as well and for many of us sex is the only way we have been trained to get those needs met. As a result, we’re starved for respect, admiration, affection, physical touch and intimacy.

Of course she comes over when she’s lonely! In her mind you are her boyfriend. It’s only in your mind that the relationship is about sex. Wakeup! And, while I don’t accept nor condone physical violence – I can certainly understand that she may be hysterical. The two of you have some growing up to do. Your girlfriend, (because that’s what she is), has to come to terms that her ‘relationship,’ hasn’t been meeting her needs. This is a very hard truth to accept – that I as a person have been feeding myself love crumbs rather than believe that I’m worthy enough to sit down to a full buffet. There are a lot of women out there with this belief in their makeup and a good counselor with experience working with women could help her tremendously.

You also need to put on the big boy pants and take stock of the situation. It’s time to accept and own that you have participated in this sex charade as well. I don’t know how in the past you have tried to end it with her but, I would strongly suggest you take the lead here and book the two of you into a couple’s counselor who can facilitate the process of ending this tryst respectfully. Then I would suggest going to a bookstore and picking up David Deida’s “The Way Of The Superior Man,” - it’s time to slap some reality aftershave on that face of yours.

He's 28, She Just Turned 18, Is It Normal?

" My son who is 28 is dating a girl who just turned 18, and I want to know if this is normal. I think she is too young for him and I’m concerned that he may be seeing her just for sex." J.W. Ottawa,

A lot of guys would believe that your son has hit the proverbial jackpot. And if your son and his girlfriend were ten, or even twenty years older the age difference between them would likely be irrelevant. It’s a truism that as men and women age the gaps in terms of life experience become less pronounced such that by the time we’re in our senior years five, even ten years in age spread becomes meaningless.

However, in our teens and early twenties significant growth and life experience takes place and even a relatively small amount of years between two people is quite substantial. A man in his late twenties is in a completely different phase of his life than a woman in her late teens. And while, physically and sexually there may be few differences between the two, mentally and emotionally there are major life moments separating the couple. A man in his late twenties likely has experienced one or two serious, monogamous relationships and at least one heart-smashing breakup. He has also likely made the transition from dependency to independency, (though recent studies suggest this is not so), and, by now, he is beginning to know who he is and what he wants out of his life.

So, is it normal? Increasingly yes. There are many new relationships that have this dynamic of older man, younger woman, primarily because men are not maturing emotionally at the same pace as they were even one generation ago. Women meanwhile are maturing at a faster pace than previously creating a fertile ground for this type of relationship to develop. Meaning, if you are right J.W., and your son is seeing this young woman just for sex; I suspect she is aware of this and at some level has agreed that that is what their relationship is all about. That is unless he is a master manipulator and is pretending to be a committed boyfriend just for the sex. If the relationship is on the up and up, they will act and behave like a couple especially to their friends, family and in public. If this is a sexual relationship for your son then his behaviour will be all about keeping his young girlfriend a secret. In life, you have to trust what people do as the truest indicator of what they really believe and feel.

Is Her Boyfriend Cheap? GuyExpert Answers The Question

Dale,

Here’s my issue, I think I have a cheap, or maybe even shallow boyfriend. In October 2008, our first Christmas, I got him a pair of sunglasses ($200) among other things, and he got me a synthetic necklace and pendant that I cannot wear due to nickel/metal allergies. His birthday, I got him a pair of gold earrings ($100) and for my birthday, he got me bath products. Christmas 2009, I got him a bottle of cologne ($100) and an official Olympic Sweater ($60). He got me more bath supplies, (which is virtually useless since I shower, I don’t take baths). Yesterday was my birthday and he got me a synthetic necklace and pendant with a CZ crystal - which I cannot wear. I’ve spent good time, money getting what I feel are “perfect” gifts for him, and I just don’t feel that I am getting the same treatment in return. I don’t want to bring it up to him in fear that I may hurt his feelings but moreover I don’t want to come off as shallow - but is he cheap or am I just shallow?

B.C., Vancouver

Your boyfriend may be cheap and/or shallow, and you may be shallow, to use your words. It’s hard to determine from one note. Interesting though that you’re keeping a balance sheet on the gift giving, which I’ll come to in a moment. So in order to determine whether your boyfriend is a serial cheapskate we have to look at how and what he gives other people who are also close to him, and how he spends on himself. Let me ask you a question; how is your boyfriend when it comes to gifts for others, like family and friends and how is he when it comes to spending money on himself? Gifts are one of the five love languages by which people express, give and receive love, (the others are quality time, acts of service, words of acknowledgment, non-sexual physical touch), so they’re pretty important. If you’re man is consistently low-end gifting it’s possible that gifts are not important to him and are not one of his preferred ways of expressing love. If this is true it means that likely he is expressing love in a way that you are not tuned into. Guys are great lovers and will shower love on someone they are in love with which means if you’re not feeling love-showered, (of any kind), it’s your first clue that your man is pulling his presence out of the relationship

Back to the gift balance sheet its clear gifts are important to you. They may even be your primary love language. And keeping a running tab with your boyfriend regularly coming up on the debit side of the account is going to have you build up some resentment. So that happens here is something you can say:

"Look, (insert name), gifts are really big deals to me. If you want me to feel loved by you then I want you to make them special and I want you to put more thought, time, energy and expense into celebrating me. I feel loved when you buy me great gifts." Say this directly without apology, comparison, or argument and he'll get the point. And if he chooses to ignore what you have said directly to him, well then you have the answer to a bigger question.

He Has A Blowout With His Daughter - Anger Understood

Hey GuyExpert,

I just had a blowout with my 17-year-old daughter. While I didn’t hit her, in a rage I did grab her wrists and shove her up against a wall. She is now afraid of me and my wife is threatening our 20-year marriage ending if I don’t get help for my ‘anger issue.’ My daughter provoked me and outside of this event, I’ve never done this before so I don’t think I have an issue – what do you think? O.S. Ottawa

Well, I think there’s something brewing inside of you and given the right strike point, provocation or trigger there’s a greater likelihood that you will use physical force to make your point. Read and re-read my first sentence O.S., because how you read it will determine whether you believe you have an issue with anger. I believe that once a person learns the most effective method for them to be heard, seen, or get their own way they will tend to use that way with greater frequency. It seems as though your method is becoming physical force.

Men have lots of confusing messages about anger with some using anger to empower their fear, blanket their sadness, or assert control in chaotic areas of their life. Still, many other men choke or swallow back any sign of their anger preferring to have it leak out in a multitude of numbing, self-sabotaging or avoidance behaviours. In all, I believe anger is getting a bad rap and taking the blame for what is really a lack of understanding, experience, and choice for most men. You see O.S., anger is not the problem – how you express anger is. Most men have never mastered a relationship to their own anger and so they are reactively angry rather than choosing to express anger responsibly. Responsible anger has a man be seen and heard, while reactive anger disconnects him from the world.

In my Anger Inc ^TM, workshop O.S., men learn all about their anger; it’s roots, the early physical warning signs, their ‘triggers’ and ‘buttons’, and several, highly-effective tactics for expressing anger responsibly. In my life learning how to be responsibly angry is a discipline that has helped me transform from a wounded, violent young man to a middle-aged man whose anger is expressed responsibly, when appropriate. Two important women in your life O.S. are telling you they’re scared and on the edge – are you man enough to hear them and shine a floodlight on this blind spot in your life, or will you ignore them and let this volcano simmer? I suspect that because you’ve taken the step of writing to me that you’re somewhat curious they might be right. Follow your impulse with courage O.S., and you will learn what anger is really all about.

Is His Porn Habit The Real Issue? You Decide.

My son was fired from his job for watching pornography on his work computer. He says that at his age, (26), pornography is everywhere and everyone does it and it’s not a big deal. In my day I had a private stash of Playboys and Penthouses – so, I’m not sure what the right message is to give him anymore – keep it personal, or go with the flow.

P.A. Ottawa

Sure this is a confusing time when it comes to some of our social morals and values but the real issue here is not pornography it’s boundaries. I make no judgement when it comes to porn primarily because I know of people and couples where it works for them and some where it clearly does not. I will say that a person’s porn preferences say a lot about how they see themselves because what they find attractive is an outward projection and reflection of their inner self. Watching porn can be healthy I believe as long as it is not sabotaging my emotional health or sacrificing intimacy with others close to me. If you suspect that this latter statement is true for your son then perhaps his relationship to porn needs attention.

But, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t believe porn is big the issue here. Your son’s un-willingness to curb his porn habit during work is really about boundaries. His behaviour is out of context with his environment and what is expected of him in that environment. Forming healthy boundaries is an essential life skill of an emotionally mature adult. Boundaries help us self-regulate our actions and affirm our unique human ability to choose how we behave. Without boundaries we would all be walking and talking reactions and chaos would ensue.

Contrary to what your son believes, getting caught with porn at the workplace is a big deal. Many companies take watching porn at work quite seriously and I believe they should. I go to work to work and if I am going to work to do anything other than work, then perhaps that’s a big sign that the job isn’t working for me. As men we need to stop the kind of thinking that says boredom is a necessary evil of working. Work is important. Our economy is constipated with the collective impact of too many men, and women, un-inspired and therefore distracted in their jobs. If more guys understood that their work is an extension of their purpose I think we would see fewer and fewer men like your son using company resources to entertain themselves.

The conversation to have with your son is about his work ethic not his porn consumption. Before you have that chat make sure you do a little personal inventory. As a man, what have you taught this young man about work?

Naked Lunch Anyone?

I just caught today's Globe article entitled "Naked Lunch," after a friend called to alert me to the piece. I find it curious, our fascination and repulsion around nudity. I think it's dangerous and, much like our conditioned preference towards packaged meat products, we'll soon find ourselves totally removed from a physical connection with our humanity. So fickle is our trained aesthetic that we can only tolerate to look at naked babies and 'perfect' youths. Not only are we the only species who drinks another species milk; we are also the only species who holds shame about our physical appearance.

To paraphrase Dan Savage from a column a while ago, (in which a reader complained about the mess and smell of anal sex), "sex smells." Add to that people smell and our bodies are hysterical works of physical art in which their beauty truly lies in the eyes of the beholder. And speaking of our eyes - they are so enslaved to our egos that they merely observe and report rather than distinguish what they see. It is our egos which place us above, below or against another person - it is our egos which see another body as attractive, repulsive, out of context, offensive, or alluring. It is our egos which project their jumbled, fragmented stories outward and make us see another naked individual as a moral confrontation.

If you want to understand the human body, yours, for what it truly is - spend some time naked in front of others of your gender. Nakedness is the great evener - in nakedness we are truly equal - which is why we come into this world naked and some of us exit our world naked.

Testing Testing Testing

Recently, I've become aware that there's a disease spreading through the male population. A disease which if not treated could lead me to be lethargic, ambivalent to sex, or even worse erectionally challenged. I'm told this disease could also soften my muscle tone and make me edgy.

It's called Low T, or Low Testosterone, sometimes it's called Andropause or Hypogonadism. I'm also told that four to five million men in the U.S., and four to five hundred thousand men in Canada are affected by this disease. According to the research, when men approach their mid-thirties they begin to lose about 10% of their total testosterone for every decade they age.

My GuyTalk in-house urology expert Sid Radomski, came on the show last Sunday and enlightened me on what he sees in his practise and certainly from his perspective the numbers above may be slightly exaggerated. The week before on GuyTalk, I asked Cherilee Garofano, a talented and respected, nutritionist and personal trainer to talk about some natural ways to boost testosterone. The result of that conversation is that I'm involved in a 12 week program of exercise and nutrition to see if I can boost my "T," levels.

It all begins with a blood test to see what my total testosterone and my bioavail testosterone are - I'll post the results of that test here and post updates of my challenge here as well.

There are men who genuinely suffer from "Low T," and for them the medical treatments available offer them a chance at a more normal, virile life. For the vast majority of men however who believe they may have the symptoms of Low Testosterone , the answer may lie in getting more engaged in life. As Sid Radomski espouses, "some people make a career out of a disease."

Here's the 12 week program as Cherilee presented it to me:

Higher T program is as follows:

1. Get blood work done to test T levels as well as blood pressure, total cholesterol and triglyceride levels to establish a base line.

2. Get 7-8 hours of quality sleep a night focusing on REM sleep. Keep a journal at your bedside to track dreams upon waking and keep track of frequency of dreams.

3. Resistance train at least 2 days a week and do 2 days of intense cardiovascular training such as running in the 65-85% of maximum heart heart (determined by formula 220 - age x %)

4. Eat foods high in zinc 1-2 times a day such as whole eggs, fish, legumes (lentils, peas, beans), oysters, nuts ad seeds especially pumpkin and sunflower seeds.

5. Consume only naturally raised, organic meats and dairy (hormone and antibiotic free)

6. Take the following supplements - zinc 50mg day, panax ginseng, fish oil (Nutra Sea liquid 2000 mg/day)

Manly Mo's

Does facial hair make a man more manly? In this apparent age of sleek and clean albeit hair-less - are men who grow facial hair growing more masculine? Celebrities and fashion role models want us to believe that the new normal for men includes beards and moustaches. Is facial hair an overt visual clue to the world that a man is no longer a boy?

I don't know. But as a guy whose face is a comedian; growing hair in staccato punchlines rather than a smooth, consistent delivery, these are questions I have asked myself. I remember as a teenager seeing a picture of The Stones with beards and thinking that they were manly men; the bushier the beard the more manly the man. Now as I reflect back, the 70's were all about facial hair for men. Thirty years later it's 2009 and a group of men around the globe are now in the throes of cultivating moustache farms on their faces all for the noble cause of raising funds for prostate cancer. Movember is the month, the cause and, if I can

go out on a limb here perhaps the beginnings of a new Mens' movement. To date, the Movember men have raised more than $51 Million for Prostate Cancer - and this year is lining up to be their best year yet.

Check Movember out. And ladies, there's a place for you in all of this stubble action - you can become a Mo'Sistah and support the growth of this campaign.

That's me on the right - three days in to my Mo'

Excellent Script Writer Seeks New Stories!

No, this isn't an employment call for Hollywood wordsmiths or pitchmen looking to soapbox their latest stories. Rather, it's a plea. I'm looking for excellent scripts about you and the people around you; stories in which the characters are real the situations are also real and either tense, boring, hilarious, or terrifying, and the outcome may never be resolved.

I'm looking for you to tell me who you are which is to say who you think you are and who you have convinced others you are. We all have a script and as we write our lives we add people and details to a story to which we are desperately attached.

Please send me your script, (100 words or less), anonymously if you choose, along with an eye-catching, attention-grabbing title for this bio-pic about you either by email to:

dale@dalecurd.com

or, hand-written on anything you choose and sent via regular mail to:

Dale Curd

323 Kingston Road,

Toronto, Ontario

M4L-1T8

All submissions are confidential and I won't publish them or contact you unless you ask me to do so.

journey well

The Battle Of Two Wolves

A Grandfather from the Cherokee Nation was talking with his grandson.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves."

"One wolf is evil and ugly: He is anger, envy, war, greed, self-pity, sorrow, regret, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, selfishness and arrogance."

"The other wolf is beautiful and good: He is friendly, joyful, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, justice, fairness, empathy, generosity, true, compassion, gratitude, and deep VISION."

"This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other human as well."

The grandson paused in deep reflection because of what his grandfather had just said. Then he finally cried out; "Oyee! Grandfather, which wolf will win?"

The elder Cherokee replied, "The wolf that you feed.”

"Which wolf do you feed?"  That is the question I asked a group of good men at a weekend process connected to The Mankind Project.  For most, as it is with most men, they were often choosing to feed the bad wolf - which was leading to endless worry, 'stuck-ness,' stories of being 'not-enough,' deep grief, and un-tapped rage.

The bad wolf is cunning; he knows you intimately as he has stepped each moment of your life right by your side.  He is resourceful; he uses creative strategies he has learned from watching you interact with others in your life for decades.  He is driven; like a drowning man, the bad wolf is fueled by the desperation that comes from fighting for one's life.  

And yet, he has a favourite food - which you keep feeding him - so he grows stronger.

And yet, as strong as he is he has a fatal flaw.  

Do you know what your Bad Wolf's fatal flaw is - do you have the courage to use it in order to save your own life?

  

On Being A Dad - Keynote Address to Dads' Count 09' Conference -June 06, Toronto

Welcome.   I imagine for Brian Russell and Mark McDowell – this is an amazing experience – this moment of seeing you all here – participating in a day that honours and supports Fathers and the important role Fathers have in creating a solid foundation for families.  These men began with a vision, chose to commit to that vision, and had the courage to face any number of obstacles – personal and circumstantial to have this day materialize. 

 

Interestingly all of us in this room share a common experience.  Regardless of our age, cultural backgrounds, race, religions, economic status, even gender – we all were children and the majority of us here today are sons.

 

13 years ago, I was 34, and an angry; very, very angry son – and I was thinking that life had dealt me a really bad deck of cards.  My second wife at the time was pregnant – which we were both happy about – but secretly I was in the middle of a internal struggle – a battle if you will about being a Father. 

 

I remember speaking to a couple of friends about what I was thinking and for the most part the feedback or advice they gave me was either “suck it up,” your life is over – or, “this is just cold feet and you’ll soon find out that children are the greatest gift in life.”  There wasn’t a lot of comfort in either place for me because the demons I was wrestling with were murky, faceless ghosts from the past – these were not so much skeletons in a closet as much as long, dark hallways – which I had never walked down before.

 

At the time and even now, as a man who counsels and mentors men through major life experiences – I knew that I wasn’t alone – yet I was having the experience of being by myself because nobody – no man ever talked about this stuff – at least not openly and rarely seriously.  And while there were literally 100’s of books for women about pregnancy and child rearing – the literature for men was rare.  There was a void of information which I now know is the result of a conditioned male behaviour – most of us rarely talk about what is really going on in our lives.

 

My Dad never told me about this stuff – I know his Dad, my Grandfather never told him – and I can’t imagine that my great Grandfather, Benjamin – was a great source of fathering knowledge for his son either.  The male legacy in my family is one of silence, pain, isolation, abuse, and abandonment.

 

So, here I was – baby on the way – not sure if I was ready, or what ready really meant and, even more deeply not even sure if I really wanted to be a Father.  I saw that I had two choices – I could piece together being a father from various sources – men, who, throughout my life, had showed me what being a dad was all about – or, I could just do the opposite of everything my own Dad had done to me.  I think you see the situation I was in – meager choices indeed.

 

And on top of all of that – I was desperately hoping the baby would be a girl – because having a boy would a huge challenge for me – that much I was sure.

 

Evan was born on May 24, 1997, and on that day my life changed.  I’d like to tell you that there was a chorus of angels singing Hallelujah and that my Fathering epiphany was euphoric – but it wasn’t.  As I held our son for the first time and checked him over for any physical abnormalities – yep, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes, 2 ears, and a penis – great – I had a watershed moment – which felt like a deep sinking sensation in my chest.  I just knew in that moment that I would do everything in my power to protect, nurture and love him.  In an instant, his innocence pierced the defenses I had built up through years of male bonding.  His peaceful nature soothed my restless male doing energy and I knew truly for the first time without a shadow of doubt that I was making a choice.

 

I was choosing to be a Father.

 

I had no clue how to be a Father – my mind told me.  But I knew I would be a Father – I would choose to Father this child.

 

President Barack Obama, in his 2008 Father’s Day address – said it best I think – he offered

 

“We need fathers to realize that responsibility does not end at conception. We need them to realize that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child - it's the courage to raise one.”

 

Fatherhood is about Courage, commitment & having a vision.  Like President Obama shared later in this same address, I too have been an imperfect Father.  There have been times in the last 12 years of Evan’s life, and more recently, with the birth of our daughter Molly – that I have watched myself with disbelief at the things I have said and the things I have done – Like many men, I have to work at being the best Father I can be and a contributing partner in building a solid foundation for our family.

 

I have navigated through the separation and divorce from Evan’s mother, the challenges of single parenting, the balancing of family time with work, new relationships, and financial upheaval, and now most recently the intricacies of creating a harmonious blended family which has blossomed from 3 people 12 years ago to now include – my partner, my ex-wife’s husband, his two children, and our infant daughter. 

 

All the while – my motivation was choosing to be the best Father that I could be in the moment for Evan. 

 

Did this require courage – absolutely – but not of the variety that keeps our homes safe from intruders, or keeps our children safe from bullies.  No, this courage is the type required to walk the dark hallways of the soul – to open the closet doors of my mind despite knowing there’s something or someone waiting behind to confront me.

 

Did fathering require a commitment – absolutely.  And not of the kind that is conditional, fair-weather, or based on the others’ behaviour – those commitments are not commitments at all – they are relative to parenting – easy way outs.  Being a father requires that I commit – that I choose to love my children at the risk of everything else that I may value.

 

Did raising my children require a vision – the answer is again yes.  But not of the type that we hear about in the boardrooms – the 3 year, or 5 year plan.  Fathering requires me to have a vision of who I am and who I aspire to be as a Father – my vision is the foundation from which I choose how to behave each and every moment. 

 

I choose to be the best Father I can be in each moment of my life – not a good Father, not a great Father – but the best that I can be. 

 

My choice to be a Father has me constantly refine and adapt how I am  - For me it’s like a challenge for myself – how can I improve – where can I improve – I’m constantly looking for the areas and aspects of myself where I can increase my performance. 

 

A friend of mine once explained the game of golf to me in this way – he said – “it’s the type of game where you can always have a better game.”

 

I can always be a better Father.  I can always learn how to be a better Father.

 

One of the gifts of co-hosting a weekly radio show is the opportunity to meet some amazing people.  A while ago I met a man who had supported and continues to support his wife and family through her breast cancer – this man was open and vulnerable, he talked with strength about his vision for his family and he displayed a level of courage in his conviction that is compelling.  This is not some superman – this is an average guy – like so many of us sitting here today.  An average guy who had an opportunity to who in the face of a life-changing event – chose a better way for himself.

So as you participate in this day and you make decisions around which seminars and workshops you are going to attend and you share your story with other men in this room and you hear the stories of father like yourself – I ask you to hold these two thoughts in your mind – let them sink in and, as I like to say – let them simmer and percolate in your unconscious – I can always be a better Father – and,…

 

I choose to be a Father.

 

 

Thank you and journey well.

Musings On Being A Man

This month's Esquire magazine features a ream of suggestions for being a man - lots of how to's and must haves.  And while captivating, because I picked it up, I haven't actually read any of the copy.  My inner monologue is telling me that I'm done being told how to be a man, or what would make me a better man.  Not a great place to be in as a counselor who works with men.  What has me closed to Esquire is not the content but the context.  I realize what I am missing and longing for in my life now is the presence of men, much older than myself who I can observe being authentic, rather than a cold, paper magazine and black & white words.

I'm at a place where I can notice my judgements and reactions and choose to either feed them or starve them; I'm also relatively aware of my actions and behaviours and know whether they originate from a loving or fearful place.  I'm also enjoying being with myself as I challenge and grow; especially in the painful and difficult margins of my self where no light has shone for quite some time.  That said, I notice what is missing is the certainty which I see in men who are well into their "Senior" years.  

I see these men embrace their vulnerabilities and fears with grace and I witness them appreciate slow walks, long sits on a bench by the lake, and the reassuring touch of a partner they have known for most of their lives.  It is in their presence that I feel the edge of my youth most sharply.  Like a serrated blade I still seek to penetrate the world with my presence rather than be enfolded by the presence of the world.  I'm still hungry and not sure quite sure what will fill my belly.  

To ache for something that I can witness tangibly yet have no inner sense of is curiously maddening.

Perhaps that is one of the eternal riddles of life and living. 

Here are some other musings:

Dr. Paul Ekman is worth checking out for his work in unraveling the ego's impact on our bodies.

Art Horn is a genius as he discusses the ego's impact on leadership and how to lead without ego

Stuart Knight is my new co-host of GuyTalk on NewsTalk 1010 CFRB - and he is a firecracker!